Horoscopes – Issue 4

Aries (March 21 – April 19):

You’ll wake up one morning, stare out your bedroom window, and come to the realization that it’s actually snowing and that Christmas is closer than you think (even though you have a giant brick wall called final exams in the way). It’s a great excuse for you to finally start wearing your fuzzy red and green Christmas socks and favorite infinity scarf! The only hard part is going to be scouring the mess that is your closet to find it. Good luck.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

You’ll decide that today is a perfect day to play Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song” in your room with your door open, much to the annoyance of your roommates who still think that it’s way too early to start listening to Christmas music. Despite their passive-aggressive efforts to get you to stop, you will stand firm in your belief that “it’s never too early to listen to Christmas music”, which will compel you to create your very own hour-long Christmas music playlist with Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” as the first song. It’s stuck in your head now, isn’t it?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

With finals inching closer and closer, you’ll decide to try and get ahead by going over those calculus notes from September that you haven’t looked at since. However, after reading through them and realizing that you have no idea what anything means, you’ll decide that watching the most recent episode of your favorite show on Netflix is a much better way to spend your time. Besides, you still have 4 weeks until your exam…plenty of time until you have to start studying.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

As a university student, you seldom have any free time to partake in any leisure activities, especially during the middle of the term when midterms are in full swing. Except now that midterms are over, you finally have a weekend where you can take a Saturday off to finally read that one book you bought two years ago at a used bookstore, but just never got around to reading because you were swamped with studying for tests and writing lab reports. But now Dobby is free! (except for finals…. Dobby is almost free!)

Leo (July 23rd – August 22):

After studying for 8 hours straight for physics and calculus, you’ll decide to give yourself a well-earned study break after completing a total of 2 practice questions from the textbook by making yourself some instant noodles and promising to watch only one episode of your favorite Netflix TV show before you hit the books again. Three hours later, however, you’ll realize that you’ve in fact watched a total of 12 episodes, finished your instant noodles, and the box of candy you bought yesterday that was supposed to last until the end of the term. But hey, at least you were able to balance your Rubik’s cube on one of its edges! (Productivity has reached an all time low).

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

You had promised yourself that you would handwrite your bio assignment that’s due next week because you didn’t want to suffer through having to enter 15 different equations on Word. However, it’s 2am and you’re bored, so you’ll decide to do it anyway because you’re the type of person who’s obsessed with neatness and typed up answers, and you really just want to go the extra mile anyways. Congrats, you’ve just won the prize for Being Excessively Extra. Sorry, there’s no certificate for you to add to your resume, but you can always go a step further and generate your own from scratch. Then you’ve really earned it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):

It’s time you started a new side project: Something new, something bold, something challenging, something innovative. Will it be a website? A blog? Scrapbooking? Photography? Who knows, perhaps you’ll decide that that’s too much effort, and weekends aren’t really feeling like weekends, so maybe it’ll have to wait until your co-op term when you’re not trying to juggle seven classes in addition to clubs and design teams. Fun times.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):

It’s been 9 weeks, and you still haven’t used the stove in your apartment to cook a proper meal. However, things are about to change, and you’ll decide to make an actual casserole from scratch. Go you! Having skimmed through the recipe, you’ll go shopping for everything you need. Once you have everything ready to go, you’ll start with step one, which is to heat oil in a flameproof casserole dish. However, you’ll realize you’ve forgotten the most important part – the casserole dish. Go you! It’s okay though, you’re an engineer, you’ll think of something. Or maybe microwave pizza pops are your best bet at this point.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):

Since you have a co-op term coming up, you’ll have a lot more time on your hands, so you’ll decide that learning a new instrument is a great way to spend the next four months. You already know how to play the guitar and mandolin, so you’ll settle for another stringed instrument: The Oud, an eleven-stringed, fretless instrument that was popular in the Classical world. Perfect for rockin’ out REALLY old school.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

Your phone will warn you that “you’re dangerously low on space”, and you’ll try your best to clear up as much space as possible without having to delete any apps, because you can’t bear having to uninstall “Temple Run” or “Crossy Road” even though you haven’t played those games for the last 2 years. There has to be a better way.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

You’ve got a presentation coming up in a couple of hours, and you still haven’t gotten your part “Happy Birthday”-level memorized. You’re nervous and have a tremendous amount of stage fright, especially when speaking to a large audience that isn’t just a mirror. You decide to try a simple exercise to prepare, which involves holding up your index finger in front of your mouth, exhaling deeply, and making a “Woooooooo” sound for 5-10 seconds to relax your vocal muscles. It’s supposed to help according to the experts, so you give it a shot in a quiet hallway right before your presentation. To your horror, a professor walks by right as you’re in the middle of a “Woooooooo”, and now you’re even more nervous because you’ve just embarrassed yourself by sounding like a 10-year old pretending to be a ghost. Thanks, internet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

You’ll walk into your room one day and notice that your stack of Coca-Cola cans has finally reached the top of your door. “Maybe now is a good time to go and throw them out”, you’ll think to yourself. However, you also have 2 lab reports and 3 assignments to finish, so you’ll decide to start a new stack right next to the first one. You do know that you’ll have to get rid of the cans sooner or later right?

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