Don’t Pick on the Little Paper

I would like to begin by apologizing to any club or university service or program or faculty or department or non-math student I may haved unintentionally insulted in this article (though I doubt I did). Then I would like to apologize to my friends in mathNEWS. (However, I don’t think I have any friends in mathNEWS… they would’ve mentioned it if they were. Or not. Maybe they’re too embarrassed to admit they’re part of a cult.)

Before university, I didn’t know anything about newspaper clubs, besides that they existed. I especially did not expect to find newspaper clubs in a university like UW. But when I read about Iron Warrior in the O-Week 2024 Book, I figured: “Why not join?”. It’s only later in the term that I found out there were other newspapers like Imprint, mathNEWS…Ok, so I don’t know all of the newspapers on campus (that’s an issue to be resolved for next time, actually).

When I found out about mathNEWS, I thought: “Hmmmmm… If I had been in math (’cause I was close to being a Math student rather than an Engineering student), I would’ve probably ended up joining mathNEWS…” And you know what… I’m glad to be in Iron Warrior.

Life in UW supposed to be fun in the summer, besides midterms creeping up faster than they’re supposed to. Newspaper clubs should get along! Maybe get CONSENT to mock another newspaper (though I don’t know if mathNEWS has the kindness to be able to do that)? I don’t even know how all this nonsense started.
Is it just to be funny? My sense of humour – and a lot of other people’s – doesn’t catch on. Is it fear that one day, Iron Warrior will surpass mathNEWS? That’s just low self-esteem. Is it jealousy, because you know you’re falling off and Iron Warrior is making a comeback? 

We may be small, but we’re tough. We’re getting back up from the pandemic. We’re getting new members. We’re going steady with our issues. I don’t know how long it will take us to reach mathNEWS’ size. I don’t even know if we will. But we’re gonna keep being us, we’re gonna keep having fun making these issues, and if mathNEWS wants to try and take away that fun, they get the honour of honking in the wrong echo chamber, ’cause the Iron Warrior echo chamber is just going to bounce those nasty honks, right back at them. e.g.:

• Production Nights? I thought Engineering was a cult, but as soon as I heard about those, I got suspicious.
• Scary thing? mathNEWS thinking they can be funny
• Spending 4 hours in the RCH basement, mathNEWS, failing a course
  • MARRY failing a course, cuz if you fail your favourite course, you get to take it again.
  • KISS spending 4 hours in the RCH basement: the more it happens, the more you start accepting it.
  • KILL mathNEWS, it’s getting what it deserves.
• Wordplays on mathNEWS: mathGOOS, mathPuuu-ewS, mathSNOOZE, mathOLDS, mathNOSE, mathNOOOOs, mathKNEW(they’ve lost their marbles), mathKNOWS(they’re terrified of Iron Warrior, and should be).
• >>>not mathNEWS == ‘Amazing’
  True
• mathNEWS, aka quantity over quality
• mathNEWS ≡ a lot of stuff ≡ a lot of stuff people don’t have time to read ≡ a lot of stuff people won’t read
• mathNEWS ≡ a goose ≡ an unloved grey bird that must attack innocent people to get attention
• mathNEWS + e^(i*pi) + 1 = 0 (solve for mathNEWS, and realise that it could be someone’s rating of it on a 5 star scale)
• Those who’ve played Super Mario 64 or Super Mario 64 DS have heard the “DROOL” sound Mario makes when he falls hard and takes damage — that same sound plays whenever someone opens a mathNEWS issue.
• %urban mathNEWS
  • a secret organisation, that must be infiltrated through secretive events to be joined. Chances are, you’ll probably (who am I kidding? you will) have to sell your soul and your name to have a chance at 30s-2 min of fame. Keep in mind, readers will love (pseudonym), not you.
• What’s more oblivious than a goose crossing the street (and believe me, I’ve seen A LOT of those in the past few weeks)?
  • mathNEWS, not realizing messing with Iron Warrior was going to lead to retaliation
• Why did the chicken cross the road?
  • It’s running away from a mathNEWS production night – and is too traumatized to cluck about it…
• What are three things a goose is afraid of?
  • Coyotes, losing a gosling, mathNEWS HQ (Have you ever seen a goose near MC?)
• mathNEWS: (Select all that apply)
  – a. unknown to a lot of students
  – b. papers full of random content
  – c. weird?
  – d. unable to be nice to smaller newspaper clubs
  – e. need to have a common dedicated time to write their articles otherwise they won’t get anything done
  – f. written by students who admitted they don’t know what they’re doing
  – g. hidden in a tiny section of MC that you would never be able to find unless you were actively looking for it
  – h. mid
  • Answer: i. and All of the above
    • N.B: isn’t it funny how we ended on i? It’s almost as if fate also wants to say mathNEWS is all of the above AND imaginary…

If we’re ever going to resolve this issue of a goose and an iron wall just honking at each other with no clear goal, we need to start by realizing this entire situation is senseless. In mocking Iron Warrior, mathNEWS creates a perception of IW that simply doesn’t hold us justice. In mocking mathNEWS, I’ve been throwing a bunch of darts at a target hoping at least one of them gets jammed in the bull’s eye so it can sting a little. Is there a LOGICAL REASON to any of this? Is there an actual USEFUL PURPOSE for all this?

With all this retaliation out of the way, the first step I will take towards reconciliation is to admit that I don’t actually hate mathNEWS. I’ve read some really funny things in mathNEWS issues, some articles really are heartwarming and well thought out, and production nights sound interesting (I would attend one, but I don’t want to betray IW). Hopefully IW and mathNEWS can come to some kind of truce. Maybe we can even learn from each other! But I’ve been told I’m naive, so I’m not going to get my hopes up.

My second step is a warning for mathNEWS: don’t pick on the little paper. It’s only covering the entrance to a pitch black den.

I was told to destroy mathNEWS, but I’m too nice. If we get mocked/insulted again, the next person to write about mathNEWS might not be so nice… Geese are tough, but can they handle the fury of a dragon?