When asked about my life just a few months ago, I said without hesitation that it is going according to plan. Why wouldn’t it be? I am enrolled in university, growing my savings through investments and co-op jobs, and finding great satisfaction in giving back to the campus community whenever possible. Moreover, I have circles of fun and loving friends, along with family members all around the world that I can travel to and stay with. Like most lives, mine has seen its ups and downs, but I was ready to settle for the comfortable path that I have arrived at.
There was just one problem.
I had always liked girls, but decided at a very young age to compartmentalize that notion. I grew up conforming to judgmental eyes, afraid to trigger any form of disapproval by being different in the slightest. My attraction to girls remained hibernating in the back of my mind, never interfering with the idealistic plans I had for myself. I dated guy after guy without doubting that I would find the right one someday. I harboured the ordinary dream of a husband, two kids, and a dog.
Fortunately for me, on an unusually cold August evening, I met this girl.
Somewhere in me always lay the discomfort of knowing I wasn’t true to myself, but it never had the momentum to escape my subconsciousness until that evening. She brought reality to what had never been more than a concept, and I was terrified. The very thing I had suppressed years ago now bears a voice in my head, and wants more than the life I was ready to settle for. I fought myself for the rest of August, and was evidently unsuccessful. It didn’t help that she has the world’s most disarming smile.
I woke up.
As September crept in, I slowly opened my eyes to an abundance of new perceptions. I accepted that it was time to discard “husband” from the aforementioned dream. I still want two kids and a dog, though, especially the dog. I also have to work on bridging something I had rejected in my youth with the person I have grown up to be. Until then, I am essentially a ten year-old when it comes to anything romantic. On top of that, I now have to try and make sense of girls when I could not even figure out what boys were all about. I will definitely be making a fool of myself at least a few times, but I know extraordinary things aren’t found in comfort zones.
On that note, I decided to come forward to a selection of people. Most searched the floor for their jaw as they thanked me for my honesty. Some asked if they could have my dresses, to which I said no, because I am not becoming a boy. Only an exact two severed ties with me, and they were both upfront when doing it. I thanked them for not resorting to hypocrisy, and told them that I will keep an open mind if they ever change theirs. I feel that coming out isn’t about making everyone accept you, and it certainly isn’t about coercing those who don’t. May it be 2015; I would never want anyone to betray his or her beliefs just to remain in an uncomfortable friendship with me.
Throughout my life, a series of extraordinary people have taught me to think a little deeper, act a little wiser, and see a little farther; and on that cold August evening, I learned that I want to live a little better. Instead of following a comfortable path to what my life was supposed to look like, I am now going to celebrate it for what it is.
I will always be grateful for having met her. I hope that someday, I can make a difference in someone the way she made a difference in me.
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