Tea and Trumpets Invades Engineering

Note: This article is hosted here for archival purposes only. It does not necessarily represent the values of the Iron Warrior or Waterloo Engineering Society in the present day.

Dear Tea-and-Trumpets,

I sold GradComm Pizza last Wednesday, but I am not graduating. I thought that the 4B’s would say thank you, but they didn’t even know that the pizza was theirs to sell. I feel so underappreciated. What should I do?

– Underappreciated.

Dear Underappreciated,

First of all, I would like to say pizza is a glorious thing! I love to eat it and I love to drink beer with it. Selling pizza outside POETS is a great idea! Pizza and beer in the same place saves me so much travel time, especially in the snow! Why, oh why did the liquor licenses get revoked for the Fed and the Bomber? Now I must travel farther to get beer than pizza! What an outrage! I guess I now have to go to a better school, one with beer and pizza in the same place!

Dear Tea-and-Trumpets,

I really need your help. I’ve recently told a little what would be construed as “a little white lie”. I bluffed that I was a martini expert, and I promised to show off my martini making skills this weekend. However, I don’t know anything about martinis! Please help me, I need all of your martini lore or I’ll look quite the foul in front of my friends.

– Shaken and Stirred

Dear Shaken and Stirred,

I guess martinis are the in-thing now. Anyway, I don’t really know much about martinis, what with all the beer. Well, if you want to make a martini all of your friends will enjoy (this is assuming you stick to the tradition of having only Waterloo Engineering friends), then all you need is a martini glass, an olive or two on a toothpick (optional) and a bottled beer. Just pour the beer straight from the bottle into the martini glass and add olives if desired. For different flavours, just use a different brand of beer! No shaking or stirring required. Enjoy!

Dear Tea-and-Trumpets,

All my favorite evening drinking spots on campus are gone. I lost my fourth year room and Bomber is closed. Worst of all, I think I am sober now! Please help me!

– Too long sober

Dear Too Long Sober,

You only had two drinking spots? Well, since they were both on campus, I’ll excuse it. As for drinking places, I hear that Unit 36 occasionally invites people in. If they’re too elitist for you, though, don’t worry. Think of this as an opportunity! Take advantage! Take the initiative! I’m sure many people are facing the same dilemma. So gather some of your friends and some people you don’t even know and start a new drinking tradition! Rent a house, find a spot under a bridge, even start a school club! Imagine how it would look on your résumé: you formed your own club and within days, possibly even hours, half of the campus had joined! Employers will flock to you. Good luck!

Dear Tea-and-Trumpets,

Why can’t dating for Waterloo students be organized like co-op postings? I’d learn a lot more about potential partners through their résumés than a first date anyway and it would save me a lot more time to work on my labs.

– Single in Systems

Dear Single in Systems,

What an excellent idea! I can see it now! Each female student can write a “job description” for all the men out there in Engineering. Then the men can send in a résumé to the girls he likes. Interviews and ranking will follow and boom! You’ve got yourself into a mandatory four-months relationship. The men will be at the beck and call off their (the way things usually work out anyway) until the next term comes and life returns to its normal blissful state. Of course some relationships will be two-terms commitments, but that’s the way the system works. So everyone, be prepared to write a second set of résumés or you may find yourself without any companionship during cold winter nights.

But if that fails, I am single. Send your résumés to teaandtrumpets@iwarrior.uwaterloo.ca (Ed: That address doesn’t work at the moment. Please forward all resumes to iwarrior@engmail.uwaterloo.ca and I will take care of them)

Dear Tea-and-Trumpets,

I sit in the same classroom all day. One day, this weird person not in my class took my spot. I told them politely that it is my spot but they didn’t move. I need my spot. I can’t think anywhere else.

– 3B Electrical Dude

Dear 3B Electrical Dude,

You’ve tried the rational, friendly, “moral” way of dealing with the situation, and it didn’t work. So I have two questions to ask which will tell you what course of action is best for you to take.

First, is the offending individual in your class? If you don’t know, assume s/he is, that may save you some embarrassment. If yes, skip to the next question. If no, then feel free to rally your class against the offender. There is no justice as potent (or effective) as mob justice.

If the squatter is one of your own, you have two choices, depending on your personality. Pick the one that suits you best. If you’re violent, then pick a fight. Force that dude away! If you’re shy and want to avoid a direct confrontation, then just pretend the chair-stealer is not there and sit on him/her. Act as if everything is normal. I guarantee that one of there actions will solve your problem.

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