Apples. Who doesn’t love ‘em? Clearly, apples are the best fruit known to mankind, as they are essentially responsible for the deliciousness that is apple pie. Where would we be without apple pie? Nowhere, I tell you! Without apple pie, what could we possibly do with ice cream or whipped cream? Nothing! This is a no-brainer guys! Everyone knows that apples are the eighth (or ninth?) wonder of the world and have been featured all over history as the fruit of choice. Think, would Eve have subjected the world to a sinful eternity if she had to take a bite out of another fruit (like a blackberry, for instance :P)? I think not! Due to the apple, we now live in a world of blasphemous bliss where we don’t feel as bad getting hammered or doing other “fun” activities (*wink wink*).
Forget about the Garden of Eden, think about this! If there was no apple to fall on Newton’s head, we’d have no gravity! That’s right, we’d be floating right now. For those smartasses who say that tall blackberry bushes could have done the same thing, why the hell would Newton be lying under a blackberry bush?!?
Now for more modern applications of apples, what about Halloween as it is today? Do you think people would go dunk their heads in barrels for something other than apples? Apples are 25% air; how many other fruits can boast the same air concentration? Knowing that, would you bob for blackberries? I think not. You can’t see the damn things in the barrel, but you’d also have to fully submerge yourself in the barrel, with no way to get back out, to get blackberries at the bottom (everyone knows they’re sorry excuses for fruit…)
Think about the satisfaction of crushing a blackberry with your bare hands; it is pitiful. Now picture yourself crushing apples with your bare hands, showing your raw manhood in front of screaming AHS girls as you destroy this godly fruit.
You are now in a romantic setting. Which would you rather see, a man taking a slow, sensual bite into an apple where the crunchy sound of satisfaction is followed by an explosion of awesomeness or a blackberry, with its flowing juices leaking out of his mouth after a bite and staining everything black in proximity to his mouth. Again, no brainer.
Let’s talk about the fruit itself now (as if we weren’t talking about apples). Apples have varieties like red delicious, granny smiths and royal galas not to mention the ever-popular candy apple. What variety do blackberries have? Once these berries change colour, they have a different name! This is very similar to the scam of the Ford Freestar; it’s the same terrible product, the Ford Windstar, just a different name. Why do you think they changed the name? It’s because no one wanted the Windstar in the first place.
Let’s not even get into the mystical powers of the apple. This is the only fruit known to the mankind that can keep the evil man with needles away. Blackberries, in fact, in large quantities will probably give you a tummy ache and send for the evil man with the needles. Let’s be serious here, there’s no disputing that apples are the creation of skilled Waterloo engineers while the blackberry is the feeble attempt of the U of T engineers trying to copy us.
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