Humour, Tin Soldier

hArD hAtS

Are you a hard hat hoarder? Do you have a closet secretly stuffed full of hard hats that tumble awkwardly over each other each time you open the door? Worse still, do you have a wall of hard hats where you proudly display your collection? If you have a collection of hard hats from various Orientation weeks and co-op jobs gathering dust because… what if you need them someday, I’m here to call you on your bullshit. You will never wear those helmets again, they’re probably expired at this point anyway, and they look stupid on your wall; who are you trying to impress? The owner of a trucking company? Face it, those colorful blobs of plastic are cluttering up your life and you need to get rid of them.

Problem is, you can’t donate them because no one wants a randomly branded expired hard hat, even if they’re cosplaying as one of the Village People. Also, you can’t compost them; I’ve tried and it’s still sitting in my backyard on top of the pile of old blankets and milk cartons that I also don’t know what to do with. But, here’s a genius holiday hack: hard hat trees.

You’ve heard of trees made of pom-poms, trees made of books, trees made of paper and feathers and old bottles of Heineken, so why not glue your old hard hats together. Yea you heard me. Just rip out that black plastic bit, stack ‘em up with hot glue, and save your yellow O-week one for the top. Boom. A centerpiece everyone can admire for years to come. Or a heinous disgrace everyone can hate to look at for a month that will eventually end up in the landfill.

Or, hang them from trees in your yard like my neighbor, Fred. It’s disgusting, pathetic, and an affront to the eyes, Fred, but it’s your life.

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