Dear Darla

Dear Darla – Issue 5

Dear Darla,

I am an engineering student in my second year. As you may be aware, final exams are fast approaching and I haven’t studied a lick so far. I was hoping you could give me some tips and tricks to ace the finals despite last-minute preparation. Thank you in advance.


Anxious Anna


Hello Anxious Anna,

I have read through your troubles and worries. Before I dive into the meat of your question, I have an investment opportunity that may interest you. I have recently ventured into my own start-up. My company creates contact lenses with little wiper blades. I suggest you buy at least five pairs because you will need them to see the papers through your tears during exams.

Now, for the actual question, how DO you do well in your exams considering you haven’t, in your own words, studied a lick so far? It’s easy. The first thing you have to do is hit the books. I know, this sounds confusing, but not literally. Hit the books with your eyes; another great opportunity for using my wiper blade contacts, because you will want to cry as you read through the books – half in resentment of why you didn’t start studying earlier, the other half regretting why you even came to Waterloo for engineering.

The second thing you want to do is go to a poster sale, or the mall, or a marketplace on the InterWeb. Find a poster that says, “You can do this!” or something like that. Nothing gives me more motivation than looking at the same four words every day, telling me that I can achieve my dreams. In the event that you do not have the resources to purchase a poster, a simple A4 sized sheet with a black permanent marker will suffice. If you don’t have paper, just go for it on the wall.

Finally, and this is the most important of it all, this is a great opportunity to go to a grocery store and stock up for the finals. Definitely skip the produce and meat and breads. You don’t want a food coma when you need to be studying. Buy sugar! Buy all the candy in the world. It’s called sugar high for a reason! You’ll be so energetic you will end up studying for two finals simultaneously! Isn’t that the dream?

Anywho, those are all my tips for you, kids. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to reach out to me at the newspaper’s electronic mail if you have any questions for me. If you are interested in investing in my wiper blade contacts or have suggestions for names for my company, tell the newspaper about it. See you kids next term!



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