As readers will remember, my guiding philosophy is that all humans, regardless of colour, creed and kind, are idiots. One of the very biggest forms of lunacy that we exhibit is an overwhelming desire to gain attention – and the ridiculous measures we take to achieve that goal. Oh, the things we do to ourselves. The following are real procedures that people have undergone, at one time or another, for reasons that presumably seemed adequate to them.
Genital Beading
This is exactly what the title says – the practice of inserting beads in your genitals. Not into the *ahem* orifice, but implanting them beneath the skin. This is a traditional practice in parts of Southeast Asia. In pre-colonial times, men and boys would not just implant a bead into their penis: they would get full-on piercings with pins made of gold or ivory that were so big that they could not actually fit properly into the vagina. They would have to be very carefully inserted in by the woman herself, and the couple would remain attached together until the deed was done.
The Yakuza are comparative wusses (a sentence that will probably never again see the light of day) and merely insert a round glass bead under the skin. The beads symbolize a year in prison each.
Before you shake your head, “old people back in the day”, this practice is still alive and well. However, considering that its unselfish goal is increasing one’s partner’s enjoyment, it is rather laudable.
Forehead Implants
I’m really not mincing words with the titles today, am I? This one is all on us, today – the ancients had more sense.
There are a variety of people who stick things in their foreheads. Some are relatively sane (congratulations!) and use saline injections to create three-dimensional shapes in their head. Normally (and I use the term “normally” very, very loosely), this is shaped like a bagel. Why? Because who doesn’t want to have a bagel-shaped lump on their forehead, that’s why. Fortunately, this procedure only lasts a day or so before the body absorbs the saline. Incidentally, this started in Canada. Shame on us all.
So who is relatively insane? People who get horns implanted into their head, that’s who. There are even fewer of these people, for obvious reasons, but there have been a handful of people who have had studs, metal spikes or subdermal horns implanted into their foreheads. This may be due to low self-esteem, or as a backup weapon. It’s a good thing Zidane never heard of this.
Infibulation
In ancient Greek times, people, and by “people” I mean dudes, would exercise naked. This makes a certain amount of sense in a warm climate, and if it is the norm, no harm done.
However, athletes realized that there was a slight problem: namely, flopping. While weaklings these days wear a nice pair of compression shorts, athletes back then realized that the only sensible solution was to pierce the head of the penis and use a string to tie it back. For added comedy, vase paintings show that they would sometimes tie it in a bow.
In fairness to the Greeks, some would only tie the penis in a circle, rather than piercing it. This also became a symbol of modesty and self-restraint; it was low-class and shameful to show the tip, although the rest was alright. Those classy guys who infibulated themselves showed that they were restraining themselves from lust. Also, peeing.
The Victorians, who were somewhat odd, revived this practice for similar reasons (abstinence and self-control), although athletes occasionally wore clothes by then.
Eyeball Tattooing
Standards of beauty are pervasive and do apply to the eyes as well, so it is understandable that some people are dissatisfied with their eye colour. There are a few cases where eyeball tattooing is performed for medical reasons, i.e. albinos who have little pigment in their eyes, and are thus more vulnerable to light damage. This is not to say that it is logical or reasonable to tattoo your eyes for vanity reasons, to tattoo them entirely black, or to tattoo them bright blue to look like characters from Dune. All of the above have happened.
What is more surprising is that this is an ancient practice, along with the rest of tattooing. The Roman doctor Galen described eye-dying: he possibly used copper sulphate, because toxicity was not particularly well understood. It is doubtful that he was attempting to look like a Dune character, though.
While, as above, there are legitimate reasons to tattoo your eyes, there is no good reason to have sparkly things implanted into them. This is a thing, however, in the Netherlands. We at the Iron Warrior would never, ever, stereotype the Dutch as drug-addled; however, they are not making it any easier on us.
Genital Mutilation
You thought I was done with the genitalia, didn’t you? Turns out people will go even further.
Penis subincision refers to the practice of cutting the lower half of the penis along the urethra. Reasons for doing this vary. Some people do it to enhance pleasure, as there are apparently many nerve endings on the inside. After a thorough cost-benefit analysis, scientists conclude that this is dumb.
Some Australian aboriginal tribes as well as Amazonian tribes do this for religious or cultural reasons, although the practice is dying out (duh). The Australians did this on the basis that after the procedure, the penis looks more like a vulva. It is not clear why this was desirable, as there are plenty of working vulvas around.
On the other hand, there are many people around today who object to functional vulvas. In fact, in widespread parts of Africa and Asia, girls have their genitalia cut. While there are varying degrees of severity, the worst involve almost complete removal of the exterior genitalia, and the area is then stitched shut, leaving only a small hole for menstruation and peeing. In many cases, the purpose of this is to prevent the woman from enjoying sex, because that will make her less likely to have it. People suck.
This obviously carries serious health risks: there are fatalities from bleeding and infection, as well as possible long-term complications in childbirth. The practice is usually illegal, but it goes on anyway due to social and cultural pressures.
The moral of the story is people will do anything to fit in, and also anything to make themselves stand out. As a world, we really need to find a happy medium.
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