In today’s day and age, we here at Topz (With a Z) are sick and tired of bros with their “yoloswag”. We are calling for a revolutionary shift from our pre-existing paradigm which is quite narrow and only serves a few people, namely the people who beat us up in high school. So forget about swag, we’re bringing classy back. We don’t want to be bros, we want to be kind sirs. We don’t want to wear snapbacks and do-rags, we want to wear fedoras and flat caps. And we’re enlisting you, dear reader, to join our army. Ladies, we’re afraid this week’s article is only for our brethren, but you can do your parts too: dump that hunky, confident, and charming “dude” for the spineless, kowtowing, hanger-on that you’ve so nefariously cast into the plutonian friend-zone. Young whippersnappers, consider this your training manual for the top wayz to be a gentleman.
Grow a Luxurious Mane of Facial Hair
What is the difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. And what better way to demonstrate your pubescence (pube.) to the hot young señoritas than to grow out your pube. hair on your face? Yes, nothing tells the world exactly what kind of a man you are more than a pube. beard. The two of us at Topz used last Movember as a great way to start growing our moustaches and today are proud to say we are up to fourteen hairs on our upper lips … collectively. One thing you may notice on your journey to a euphoric face forest is that hair doesn’t grow as fast on your cheeks as it does on your other cheeks. A helpful tip is that you can just grow out your beard under crimson chins. Yes, a neck pube. beard is a great way to look just like Chuck Norris and make it a double-win by hiding your double-chin! Yes all m’ladies will want to lick this icing on your muffin-top of a neck.
Use Anachronistic Language
Fact: how you speak will impact how people perceive you. Fact number two: people from generations-gone-by were objectively classier than modern twittering troglodytes. Therefore, we propose elucidating the proletariat to your refinement through the use of classy vernacular. As a general rule of thumb, if you aren’t using your online thesaurus at least once per hour, then you are doing it erroneously, old sport! If you keep up with your class, you will thereby be fraught with an immeasurable passel of win. We tip our hats to you, good sirs. And m’ladies, save that ass for a man with class.
Be a Chivalrous White Knight
The internet and real-world are full of trolls and bros. And it is your duty as a gentleman to protect women from their confidence. A true friend protects women from guys who try to flirt with them without pining for and Facebook stalking them for years (what assholes!); a true friend offers his seat on a crowded bus to anyone with ovaries (insisting repeatedly, since women’s legs are weaker than men’s); a true friend likes every single photo of women on Facebook. This is why we don’t call it the friend-zone, we call it the gentleman-zone. Chivalry, like anachronistic language, is a way to go back to time when gentlemen roamed the earth, and protected women from things like having to pull out their chair, pay for their own food, defend themselves from insult, vote, think, and reject your romantic advances. If they are not interested in you or your fedora, then they’re just skanks and deserve the bro that they end up with!
Advocate Men’s Rights
As a gentleman, you must look out for your fellow gentlemen. Not many people are aware of this, but straight, white men are the single most persecuted group in this country! Oh sure, the feminazis would like for you to think that issues facing women such as acquaintance-rape, slut-shaming, and antiquated notions of an inability to perform in STEM fields are more critical, serious, and systemic than issues facing men. But have they considered men being excluded from ladies’ nights, expectations to foot bills at restaurants, or men never being told they’re beautiful? The mere fact that they are suggesting that women are more persecuted than men makes them sexist bitches! If they really cared about equality, they would say that men and women are equally persecuted! For the record, we aren’t suggesting that you try to address boring issues facing men like unreported sexual assault, higher rates of suicide, and drug abuse. No, a real gentleman mostly whines about ladies’ nights and has imaginary debates with strawman feminists who hate all men.
Clothes Make the Man
Lastly, comes the uniform. A gentleman understands that clothes make the man. So good sirs, get out your credit cards because it’s time to go SHOOPPPPINNNGGGG!!!!! Be sure to stock up on the following items of clothing in multiple shades of black (at least fifty): fedoras, flat caps, trench-coats, canes, non-prescription glasses, boots, vests, blazers, scarves, pocket-watches, and fingerless gloves. Now these are a good starting point, but if you want to be Topz-level classy, you need to draw upon even more out of date clothing styles. A corset is nifty way to both look as classy as Curry and to hold back your disgustingly fat gut. Monocles are like magnifying glasses, but for grown-ups, making you as classy as Cumberbatch. Just be sure to always put it away at the end of one conversation so you can majestically pull it out during your next and keenly look at the person you’re talking to until they acknowledge the monocle. Replace all your zippers with buttons. Zippers are the shame of Canada, as they are basically bro-ish grills for your hoodies and jackets. Keep in mind that if you’re on a budget you always pair any one of these items with your witty graphic tee and cargo shorts to class it up a little (but seriously, don’t forget your fedora).
All these tips are great ways to be a gentleman, but we cannot stress enough the importance of going past skin-deep. Most importantly, a gentleman must be gentle man. To accomplish this, it is critical that you moisturize your skin every day with creams and soaps that offer sub-dermal exfoliation. We at Topz (With a Z) only use fair-trade organic lavender soap. Viva! Viva la revolución!
Leave a Reply