“Tonight we will be starting with a Pinot Grigio from… Italy… apparently,” said Derek Thompson, former EngSoc VP Education and current Sommelier. The wine made a delightful pouring sound as it flowed from the bottle, as noted by Graeme. The wine is chilled to perfection, which means even if it’s bad, it’s pretty good. That’s a valuable thing to know for white wine: even the [redacted] stuff can taste pretty good if it’s cold as [redacted].
If you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re drinking wine today. This is partly because there’s a few cases of it at our house, and partly because it has more alcohol than beer. We need that extra alcohol since the University of Waterloo are being a bunch of [redacted]s and raised our tuition half way through the term. Seriously, [redacted] those [redacted]s.
Anyway, the reviews of the Pinot Grigio are in: Derek thinks he likes the other white wine more, and we’ll have it later. Graeme thinks it’s “definitely not bad,” but he also affirms that he’s “never really rated wine before.” He thinks that “it’s tastes like a Pinot Grigio… maybe? And it has a good grapey smell. It’s totally graping me right in the mouth.” Eric thinks that “it’s cold, and therefore it’s totally palatable.” Tim actually has an opinion: “it’s really sweet when you take it into your mouth.” We’re not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. “Also, a hit of apple… Granny Smith apple.” Wow, way to be pretentious Tim.
Now that we’ve finished our Pinot Grigio and stopped sobbing about how those [redacted]-suckers in Waterloo finance want more of our money, it’s time to open a bottle of red.
We’re onto a fine bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. We need to let it breath a little bit, mostly because Graeme has a lab report to write, and judging by his plots, it’s not going well. Tim opens by remaining a pretentious [redacted]hole and saying some bull[redacted] about tannins. Wikipedia says: “A tannin is an astringent, bitter plant polyphenolic compound that binds to and precipitates proteins and various other organic compounds including amino acids and alkaloids.” Good for you Tim, you can identify amino acids with your stupid face. Eric has a real comment: “this wine is super sweet!” He means it has a lot of sugar, which means it’s time for a BILL NYE MOMENT!
DID YOU KNOW THAT: wines that are sweeter have less alcohol since the sugars are consumed during the fermentation process when they are converted to alcohol. NOW YOU KNOW!
Now that we’re all scienced up, and know that the university administration can go [redacted] a bag of [redacted]s over this tuition thing, it’s time for another white wine!
This time, it’s a Chardonnay, which is a place in France. That’s a bit odd, because the label says it’s Australian. That’s really odd, because all this wine came from a brew-your-own place in Waterloo. It’s called Reds, Whites, and Brews, and it’s where most of the BOAT Racing beer comes from. According to About.com, Chardonnay is the world’s favourite white wine. But seriously About.com is just about the worst source for anything, ever.
Everyone agrees that this white is better than the Pinot Grigio, and everyone agrees that we know nothing about wine. Derek says that “he’d drink this [redacted] any day!” Graeme is still working on a lab report, but he did drink it, and says “I thinks it’s making me smarter.” So if you’re looking for a white wine from Reds, Whites, and Brews, go for the Chardonnay.
Before we move on to the final wine, we’d like to recommend getting your own wine brewed. It takes 4 to 8 weeks to get it brewed and costs about $5 a bottle. Lets face it: after those [redacted] [redacted]eds at the university took all your money, you’re going to need the cheapest booze you can get.
“Our final wine is the Amarone!” exclaims Derek. The full name for this wine is Amarone della Valpolicella, but that’s pretentious as [redacted], so remember to never use it in a conversation. This one is pretty smooth and everyone likes it. For once, Tim isn’t going to be a pretentious douche, and doesn’t have a comment. It’s just good. It does take 6 weeks to brew though.
We hope you enjoyed our exposé into the world of fine You Brew wines. Our final reviews:
Pinot Grigio: 2.575 / 5 Surly Bartenders
Cabernet Sauvignon: 3.14193 / 5 Surly Bartenders
Chardonnay: 3.77777 / 5 Surly Bartenders
Amarone: 4.173 / 5 Surly Bartenders
Note that the wines got better as we got drunker. Remember, correlation doesn’t make causation, but wine probably does get better as you get more inebriated. Remember, Waterloo might be a bunch of [redacted] [redacted]s, but you can still get drunk on the cheap! Next time, we’ll discuss the effects of [redacted] on [redacted]ing [redacted] (in the [redacted])… also scotch I think.
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