The Oxford English Dictionary defines the friendzone as “No exact results found for friendzone in the dictionaries.” More deadly than the dangerzone, more colourful than the Twilight Zone, less P.J. Phil and Sugar Baby than on The Zone, the friendzone is no laughing matter. Of course, the inevitable question whenever one talks about the dreaded friendzone is, “What colour shoes is Cat (which rhymes with fat!) wearing?” The answer is black. The implied follow-up question is, of course, “How can one get out of the friendzone?” This is not an easy problem, but we at Topz (With a Z) have been conducting extensive research on the topic. It wasn’t easy getting in the friendzone: when you’re this handsome, we can only assume that pepper-spray and restraining orders are the way that these nymphets play hard-to-get. But, with the miracle of science (3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methamphetamine), we managed to find our way! So without further ado, here is our list of the top ways to escape the friendzone.
Never Tell Them How You Feel:
Papa don’t preach, you’re so old that you sign off on your Facebook posts. The first rule of zoning out is to keep that deep dark secret (of love, not the one making its way through your ileum) to yourself (actually, keep both to yourself, unless you’re in Arts). If you tell them how you feel, it will only result in more heartache than when we discovered butter sandwiches (the bread is Krispy Kreams), or getting impaled through chest. No, by suppressing your emotions you become a stronghold of love, waiting until you are conquered by the beautiful legs, luscious lips, curvaceous hips, firm buttocks, ample bosom, and elegant fallopian tubes of the woman of your dreams (or man). This way, you set yourself up for that storybook romantic ending when they see that you’re the one who understands them.
Always Forgive:
Echo this advice wherever you go: don’t do drugs. It is also important to always forgive and forget (drugs will help with the latter). Whatever their indiscretions may be, only by constantly letting said indiscretions slide will the object of your eye start to respect you. We’re talking about Patty Mayonnaise here, Rachel Green, Teenage Clone Abe Lincoln, Cat Declaro (also possibly a clone)! Surely your love is enough to warrant overlooking such trivialities as borrowing things and not returning them, constantly asking for rides, never inviting you to parties, sleeping with your best-friend, showing you their homemade short-films, and sodomizing your dog. Only by putting them on a pedestal and ceasing to treat them as a human being will your love be reciprocated.
Do Everything that They Want:
November is a good time to get started on Christmas shopping … unless you’re trying to escape the friendzone: then every month is a good time to buy them things. You’ve heard them complain time after time about how inconsiderate their boyfriends or girlfriends have been, so now is your chance to prove your merit. It won’t take long for them to realize that all along you have been the perfect person: you pick up their laundry, you listen to their problems about significant others, you drive them everywhere, you help them with homework, et cetera, et cetera. You’ll know that it’s working when they start to expect it from you (like you’re they’re boyfriend or girlfriend minus the intimacy and commitment!) and refer to you as their “best friend” or “great friend” or “stop following me”. Even better is when they start saying that you’re “like a brother/sister”: this means that they see you as family (like a husband/wife/hillbilly)! Just remember to always ask yourself if Carl would do it for Ellie, nothing is too far: this includes even seemingly absurd things like editing their résumé.
Make Them Jealous:
India has a serious social problem of sham weddings being used to steal the dowry of unsuspecting young girls. While sham marriages for dowries are despicable, sham relationships for emotional manipulation are a lucrative and advisable practice. Think about how jealous you get when you see your special someone in the arms of another (unless they’re into amputees). Surely they would feel the same way if they saw you without someone else. Problem: you only want to be with them. Solution: just take advantage of someone even more cripplingly lonely than you are (unless you are Cat Declaro, in which case you’ve hit rock bottom and we advise for you to ask out Ben and Jerry). Yes, just take your beard (or, in the case that you chose someone of your sexual preference, your “unibrow”) around the town: uptown, downtown, midtown, Lazy Town, O-Town, Townsville, Toonsville, Toon University, University of Waterloo, Uptown Waterloo, downtown, midtown, and Lazy Town. This will make your target jealous and we assume will have no negative side-effects on the person you are deceiving and using as a means to your ends. The closer this person is to the one you truly desire, the more effective this will be.
Seek the Permission of their Parent:
“Sierra” sounds like the word for “car” in Arabic. Have sexual intercourse with their mother and/or father.
By this point, your mark will definitely want your D (or V or Q (if you have to ask, you can’t afford it)). By being in the friendzone, you are already halfway there: they trust you, they are comfortable around you, and you are an important part of their life. Surprising them with the news that you actually are interested in them for entirely different reasons and everything that you have been doing for them is motivated by romantic and sexual desire will be very well received. Nothing gets people wetter better than someone who is a doormat that has been dishonest about their intentions and has been obsessing over you in a completely non-mutual infatuation. Yeah, they totally want the D.
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