Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
HAI! Welcome to the final (and probably best EVAR) edition of pRo9R4Mm1n9z phOr N00B5. This week, I’m going to be discussing my two most favourite and frankly, my most used languages, LOLCODE and INTERCAL. Now, I know some of you are thinking, “Is this a joke?” or “Those aren’t programming languages.” Well, if you’re in that boat, it is time to put away that jetpack and to have something to do here because I guarantee you will learn more this week than all the other weeks combined!
First up is LOLCODE, an esoteric programming language THAT IS PROGRAMMED COMPLETELY IN CAPS. The official website and repository for maintaining the language, lolcode.com, describes it pretty simply as “Programming the LOL way.” But what does that exactly mean? Well, the best way to describe it is to put a simple program here. Unlike all those other boring programming languages, LOLCODE is easily typed into sentences and is quite easy to understand. For instance, to make a program that asks the user “Where does the Narwhal Bacon” and responds accordingly is as follows:
HAI. CAN HAS STDIO? I HAS VAR. VISIBLE “Where does the Narwhal Bacon?”. GIMMEH VAR. IZ BOTH SAEM VAR AN “midnight”? YARLY. VISIBLE “We have a winner!”. NOWAI. VISIBLE “GTFO!”. KTHX. KTHXBYE.
As you probably have noticed, LOLCODE is a highly dynamic and elegantly written programming language. Its uses vary from simple prompt applications to even more crazy dynamic programs like compilers, binary interpreters and interpreters for other programming languages. But enough with ALL CAPS LANGUAGES. Time for a lesson in how to be polite.
That brings us to INTERCAL, the only program language that requires the coder to correctly balance his or her ability to be polite. INTERCAL is another esoteric programming language that is renowned for its simplistic but high dynamic syntax. Also, it is the only programming language to feature a PLEASE modifier.
Let’s talk a little more about PLEASE. The INTERCAL compiler is like that really annoying teacher who yells at you when you are a suck-up and at the same time, when you forget please even once. But that is what makes the language awesome. On top of being able to create totally awesome programs that can make your friends, family, significant others and pets go, “WOW, THAT LOOKS SO COMPLICATED YOU MUST BE THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!11!!!11,” INTERCAL also manages to keep you on that fine line between being one of those over apologetic people that makes Canadians look like whiners and being a rude ugly troll person. I think the best way to illustrate this is to show you a typical conversation translated into “English” with the compiler.
Me: “Compile.” Compiler: “Thou currish dismal-dreaming popinjay! I shant compile thy code” Me: “Compile pretty please. Look I even brought you your favourite cereal binarios!” Compiler: “Thou dissembling beef-witted barnacle!” Me: “Please compile” Compiler: *compiles code*
So as you can see, every time you code in INTERCAL, a free lesson in how to use please is included every single time!
Well, that wraps things up for LOLCODE and INTERCAL. As well, this signals the end of the column for the term. KTHXBYE!
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