*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
Scientists were amazed today when they unearthed what appears to be a large cave painting from the Palaeolithic era. Experts versed in reading picture books were hired from the Wilfred Laurier University, renowned for its football team. They have now translated the cave painting into what appears to be the diary of a Stone Age caveman named Ugg, an inventor of many revolutionary tools and quite possibly the first engineer.
Many suns into cold time: Dear rock slab, Ugg made new tool called club. It used for killing big long tooth. It made of long rock. Today day cavelady Arg want to share cave, Ugg know it!
Many suns into cold time: Rock slab, Ugg need new way to name suns – all suns sound same. Ugg sad. Cavelady Arg did not want Ugg club – she want Gor sharp club. No fair, Gor sharp club same as Ugg club but pointy on end. Ugg make new tool today called roller. It oval shape and make cavelady Arg come share Ugg cave.
Few suns into rainy time: Gor took Ugg idea – he make new tool called wheel! Same as roller but more round. Cavelady Arg say Gor now cavefriend…Gor say roller cruddy tool. Ugg now need new tool better than Gor. Ugg need think time.
Sunny time: Ugg now invent best tool. It called knife. It short, sharp rock and kills big long tooth easy. Ugg show Gor who better tool maker now.
Sunny time: Dear rock slab, Gor stole Ugg knife, tie to stick and call spear. Ugg hate Gor. Ugg invent new tool now. It roller pushed off cliff. New tool called revenge.
Few suns into cloudy time: Cavelady Arg now Ugg cavewife. Gor gone. Revenge best tool.
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