Wondering how to attract that lovely Viceroy-sassing, blaster-wielding senator you’ve got your eye on? While it may seem difficult for a young Padawan like you, don’t lose hope! You’ve been using Alderaan phrases! If your angst-filled rants about your Master have thus far failed to charm her, we’ve got some great lines here, guaranteed to make her kiss you and then immediately regret it. She may even reveal her love for you before you head off to your execution in a certain arena on Geonosis.
Keep in mind that these will work best if preceding a romantic frolic in a field of flowers. Feel free to take a joyride atop the local wildlife, and don’t forget to fall off and play dead. It’s the perfect set-up for rolling in the grass with the object of your affection.
We’ll start you off with a few classics, but will then provide variations you can use, no matter the topic of conversation.
“Are you an angel?”
Obviously this one is a must. Though it’s most advisable to use earlier in life, you can get your foot in the door with this one, and charm her with your naivety. Get her thinking that Yoda one for her before you’ve even made your true move!
“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and… rough and irritating… and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft…… and smooth.”
(You must then caress her skin in a weirdly intense and creep-tastic manner. She will be seduced for real). Now here’s a couple more, in case you didn’t happen to come from Tatooine. We’re inclusive that way. Note that the word ‘smooth’ must remain consistent to facilitate caressing.
For Hoth (so she wants you to get in her like your future son gets in a tauntaun. Okay, maybe not exactly like that):
“I don’t like snow. It’s cold and… wet and blinding… and it gets in your boot. Not like here. Here everything is warm… and smooth.”
For Mustafar (the planet that she’s hotter than):
“I don’t like fire. It’s hot and… dry and scorching… and it gets all over your body. Not like here. Here everything is cool… and smooth.”
For Naboo (especially if your boo is from Naboo…):
“I don’t like Jar Jar. He’s brainless and… clumsy and annoying… and he’s secretly a powerful Sith lord. Not like here. Here everything is not Jar Jar…… and smooth.”
With any luck, you’ll be rewarded with a kiss and her eternal love. If you reach that point, please seal the deal with the following swoon-inducing, very much non-angsty monologue:
“From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What can I do? I will do anything that you ask…”
You’ll truly be……smooth.
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