Since it’s the end of term, and the last issue of the Iron Warrior this term, I think we should go out with a magical finish. The ancients were just as good as magic as they were at hygiene, romance, and pedagogy.
If you need a little help with exams, sports, or your love life, or you just want to know the future, then consult the ancients! Here are some samples of their wisdom.
Astrologers back in the day had balls
I sincerely hope that none of you believe in vague, ass-pulled astrology nonsense. However, you are more than welcome to believe in the predictions of the ancient Hellenic astrologer Vettius Valens. Some of his examples are below:
Scorpio: “Men born under this sign are tricky, base, thieves, murderers, traitors, incorrigible, destroyers of property, connivers, burglars, perjurers, covetous of others’ property, accomplices in murder, poisonings, and other crimes, haters of their own family…”
“Gemini is destroyed by Capricorn… Some men die violently troubled by black bile, are attacked by painful cramps or are harmed in damp places by beasts or by crawling things. “
“Libra is destroyed by Taurus… Therefore men become suicides through poisoned drinks, through snakebite, through self-starvation. They die from excessive intercourse, excision of the uvula, drowning, or they become mutilated, blind, or paralyzed. They are attacked by females or fall from high places or animals.
“Scorpio is destroyed by Gemini… They die by knife cuts to the genitals or the rump, or from strangury, festering sores, choking, crawling things, violence, war, attacks by bandits, assaults of pirates, or because of officials, and by fire, impaling, attacks of beasts and crawling things.”
It is interesting to note that he seems to consider “attack by females” and death “because of officials” to be forces of nature. Also, how the heck do you accidentally cut off your uvula? (It’s that little dangly thing in the back of your throat.)
Tell the future from animals
There are a good many ways to find out the future. If you are a Roman haruspex or a Mesopotamian baru, your best bet is to sacrifice an animal, cut it open, and examine the entrails. Pay particular attention to the liver.
If that is too icky, you can also learn the future from observing the feeding habits of sacred chickens. In fact, “Keeper of Chickens” was at one time an official rank in the Roman Army.
Why haven’t we gotten in on this? We want YOU! Apply to be the official Observer of Chickens in the Canadian Forces today!
If you are in ancient India and want to predict a future based on the behaviour of dogs, you don’t need to cut it open. Just watch its behaviour. For example:
If, at your wedding, you notice a dog licking its own penis, that means your wife will cheat on you. If it poops after digging on one side of the house, that means that her lover is on his way. If the dog scatters food around the house, then the lover is also suspicious of her. Furthermore, if the dog goes to sleep on a pillow, that means that the lover will arrive that night.
The verdict: Your wife is definitely cheating. Always. No exceptions.
Useful Magic
Of course, there is little point in spending years studying magic unless you use it on a daily basis. What kinds of magic should you use in your everyday life?
If you suffer from unrequited love, you can bake a small doll representing your crush, and eat it while saying “I ingest your eyes. I drink your blood. I eat your liver. I put on your skin.”
According to Michael Psellos, if you suspect someone of being a thief, you should feed him pickled tadpoles’ tongues mixed with barley. This will make him fall into a trance and admit his guilt. Honestly, it’s probably easier to call the police – ever tried to remove a tadpole’s tongue? It’s fiddling work.
If your child has a wasting disease, this is because witches are secretly eating his liver and heart at night. To drive them away, you should cut open a small pig and spread its guts on the ground. The witches will eat that instead.
How about getting an edge over the athletic competition? Why not go with ancient Roman charioteers, and drink dried-boars-dung shakes? Apparently they are good for building muscle. It makes perfect sense: boars are strong, and brave, and… good at driving chariots… well, no analogy is perfect.
Cursing your Enemies
When betting on sports tournaments, the first thing to so when cursing an opposing team is to drown a cat. (Any set of instructions beginning with “First, drown a cat” isn’t going to end well.) Then: “After drowning the cat, insert three thin metal sheets, one into its anus, one into its mouth, and one into its throat. Write what you have to say on a sheet of papyrus that has been wiped clean with cinnabar.”
And now you know. Try that out for the next Super Bowl.
Of course, there are also harmless pranks:
“If you take some hairs from a donkey’s rump, burn them and grind them up, and then give them to a woman in a drink, she will not stop farting.”
I never thought I would say this, but the guy who invented the Whoopie cushion did a service to humanity. No longer need we resort to donkey butt hair.
Mules, however, have a different effect. Kissing the nose of a she-mule will stop sneezing and hiccups. Next time you are troubled by bodily winds, you know what to do! Run through the streets and demand various farm animals.
Human Sacrifice (And if the name isn’t a hint, this is disturbing)
For all you environmental engineers out there, we will now revisit our old friends the Aztecs to find out what to do if your crops aren’t growing. The Aztecs held a yearly festival dedicated to the god Xipe Totec, or “The Flayed Lord.” To ensure good corn harvests, they would sacrifice a bunch of prisoners of war, and then skin them. The priests would then wear the skins for twenty days, and no, the skins were not preserved in any way. While the skins rotted, the people would feast, drink, and shoot arrows at bound captives to make their blood drip in the ground, ensuring abundant rainfall. If you think that they then stored the rotting skins under the temple, you are absolutely correct.
Xipe Totec also liked child sacrifices. He was fair-minded— the parents had to give permission.
The god Tlaloc was also fond of children. In his case, the children had to be crying. Ritual cannibalism might also be involved.
Another sacrifice would be made to Huehuecoyotl, or “Old, Old Coyote.” In this case, captives would be burned alive. Don’t worry, they wouldn’t be burned to death. Instead, they would be pulled out of the fire before they died… and have their hearts cut out.
The goddess Toci was worshipped by having a young man wear the skin of a sacrificed woman.
Don’t judge the Aztecs. These generally happened only once or twice a year. The rest of the year, they went with the good old classic “cut out the still-beating heart.”
You know how all those pyramids have a million steps? It’s not just for a workout. The newly heartless bodies would be thrown down the steps into the crowd, while people sand, danced, and played musical instruments.
Hey, at least it’s an impressive death.
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