Dear friends, acquaintances, and people we will soon no longer have to tolerate, we are here today writing the last ever Topz (With a Z) column for The Iron Warrior “newspaper,” Over the past four years we’ve had a lot of fun, and guided you through many difficult situations, scenarios, and tribulations. And so for our final endeavour, we will be presenting you with everyone’s favourite thing: a best-of article! Yes, this week we will be delivering the tippy-topz of everything. You’re probably thinking, “But Wade and Edward! Topz (With a Z) articles are like my children, you can’t choose favourites!” To this, we say that’s bullshit. Every parent has a favourite child, and if you think otherwise it isn’t you. So without further ado, here are our top topz from Topz.
Top Articles of Clothing to Keep you Warm – Scarves
Scarves are pieces of fabric that you tie around your neck. There are different ways to tie a scarf. A scarf can be many different colours: black, grey, red, dark red, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, purple, indigo, salmon, coral, hot pink, seafoam green, brown, shale, turquoise or mustard.
Top Countries in the World – Laos
In Laos, it is customary when a man is courting a woman, for him to make sexual advances. If the woman responds in kind, the man will put his wee-wee in her hoo-ha and move his hips in a thrusting motion until he releases his seminal fluids into her uterus or fallopian tube to fertilize her ovum.
Top Feelz that Only People Addicted to Garbage Linkbaiting Websites (and their Facebook Friends) Will Understand – That feel that only people desperate to feel like they’re a part of a community will understand.
You like that massively popular TV show? I like that massively popular TV show!
Top Places to Study on Campus – B1 Bathroom
Mike, pay close attention to this point. There is a girls’ bathroom in B1 with an interior waiting room. This room has nothing in it but a couch. This room has no windows. It locks from the inside. It was built for studying.
Top Ways to be a Gentleman – Use Anachronistic Language
Fact: how you speak will impact how people perceive you. Fact number two: people from generations-gone-by were objectively classier than modern twittering troglodytes. Therefore, we propose elucidating the proletariat to your refinement through the use of classy vernacular. As a general rule of thumb, if you aren’t using your online thesaurus at least once per hour, then you are doing it erroneously, old sport! If you keep up with your class, you will thereby be fraught with an immeasurable passel of win. We tip our hats to you, good sirs. And m’ladies, save that ass for a man with class.
Top Ways to Handle Celebrity – Say NO to Drugs
When you’re a bigshot bollystyle celebrity drugs become a constant temptation. Just this morning, someone in class offered us an acetaminophen pill, or a “tolly” as it’s known on the streets. It’s frankly astounding how casual people are about popping a tolly around you once you’re famous. They assume you’re just another coked out starlet like Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren. Now we’re no stranger to wild nights. We’ve had enough Bacardi Breezers over the years that we have to take off our shoes to count them all. In fact, we even smoked a marijuana cigarette once. But now that we’re role models, these days are behind us. Yes, all Wade and Edward need to have a good time are restful sleeps, a healthy diet, and a little morning pick-me-up with a big cup of fresh Colombian cocaine.
Top Ways to Write Right – Inspiration
Popular locations for inspiration in the KW area include the Starbucks at Uni and King,, the Starbucks in Uptown, and if you’re feeling like trying something new, the Starbucks in downtown Kitchener is the place for you. There you’ll find a lot of other inspiring writers, the difference between you and them is that they are being inspired by other writers. Let them inspire you to get inspired by others, individuality is for losers.
Top Ways to Win Friends – Cast the Net
First thing’s first: you have to meet people. But where the heck are they? This week, we tried going on safari to find homo sapiens (no hetero). We heard that all the hunks and ladies hang out at the clubs, so we checked out Beta and Rev Sunday morning, but it seems as though they’re longer the cool spot to be. We tried to start our own club but then Ammar couldn’t eat bacon and it isn’t the same with just tomato and lettuce. We had once heard that having fun isn’t hard when you have library card, so we went to our local library to find some friends. The place was full of nerds! We found a section of actually useful books (with pictures in them) and our research came up with a pretty interesting factoid: everybody poops! So, we did the only rational thing and went to bathroom (where everybody is pooping!) and wrote our names, phone numbers and available times to have glorious fun!
Top Ways to Succeed in University – Excel in Schoolwork
[This paragraph has been omitted in accordance with uWaterloo Policy 71]
Top Myths about uWaterloo – Waterloo Wants to Plaster its Logo with Cheesy Lasers
Seriously, this happened four years ago, and admin unilaterally conceded to the student body. This battle was pretty much won before the oldest students currently on campus were even frosh, and they are the only ones left who were at all associated with effing “waterpew.” Myth … NOT EVEN RELEVANT ANYMORE.
Top Alternative Study Methods – Quantum Physics
As Dinesh D’Souza puts it, for centuries, scientists have slowly scaled the mountain of knowledge only to find the yogis and theologians on the peak that had been there all along. That last conquered ledge is what we know as “quantum physics.” For you see, in quantum physics there is a principle known as the “uncertainty principle” which means that everything is uncertain and so really “deterministic sciencism” is a bunch of bunk. Oh sure, there are some Heisendorks who would lead you to believe that this refers only to the uncertainty of measurements, but then why isn’t it called the “uncertainty of measurements principle?” Clearly, they should stick to meth. This principle means that at any given moment literally anything is possible, and we can shape that uncertainty using “the observer effect.” Once again, we can understand this principle by just reading the name, as taught to us by Deepak Chopra. Yes, the observer effect refers to the effect that observation has on physical systems at the quantum level. Make no mistake, this doesn’t have to do with interference from instrumentation; observers sound like people therefore this has to do with The Secret that consciousness affects physical reality and you can will the universe by thought: kind of like magic or psychic powers … but physics (which is an anagram of psychics, without the ‘c’ (because that’s for you to see!) Coincidence? Not likely! Duh!). So let the Newtonians waste their time “reading” and “learning” the deterministic truths in textbooks. You can use the powers of quantum theory to will the world to the answers you quantum tunnel from your mind. Albert Einstein metaphysics superposition waveform entangled states Albert Einstein.
Top Future Technologies to Look Forward To – Fire
Destined to revolutionize every aspect of our way of life, the recently announced “fire” from the hacker consortium, Prometheus, is planned to be open source, making it free to use and reproduce. The fire will heat your home, cook your food, and provide light emitting torches (L.E.T.s) for your home even after the sun sets. Speculation exists over threats to release fire early due to a lawsuit filed by Olympus Co. that may delay the release indefinitely. Olympus Co. is not worried about the early release due to their position after surpassing previous industry titans. Furthermore, mention of a new “Pandora project” was hinted at by Olympus Co. CEO Z. Jupiter during a recent press interview. Only time will tell how this quarrel turns out.
Top Things – Batman
Batman is so cool, he could totally beat up your dad. Don’t believe it? Batman drives the Batmobile; your dad drives standard. Batman is a billionaire playboy who has most likely slept with Catwoman; your dad slept with your mom (never forget). Batman avoids Joker’s intoxicating gas; your dad voluntarily drinks poison and gets mean and calls you a sissy for losing your pee-wee soccer game. Batman beats up criminals; your dad never hit anyone ever! That was a doorknob. Shutup. This point is done.
So as our final goodbye, we’d like to thank all the EICS that censored us, made our jokes less funny, harassed us to submit earlier than three days late, and were in general poop heads. After four years of being handsome and lazy we found the laziest way possible to say goodbye: by plagiarizing ourselves. F*** you. We love you.
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