Note: The authors have requested Jacob and Farzi to be the only ones to edit this article
With interest in Wadeward at a fever pitch, your mentors in the media have been having trouble dealing with the trials and tribulations of fame: making us think things over, having to swallow being let loose, putting us where things are hollow, et cetera. We went down the usual path of destruction: drugs, meaningless sex, and selling out were our only salvation. Fortunately, we have since learned to have more inner peace and serenity than Steven Seagal, and we hope to share these secrets with our famous friends in the AMA club. For you nobodies (i.e. losers who are about to stop reading), you can stop reading at this point, this week’s article is for Barack and company: our list of the top ways to handle celebrity.
Be Direct with the Paparazzi
When you’re Topz-famous, everyone wants a piece of you. We have been dealing with incessant attempts to call us for interviews, receiving e-mails, and even texts on our personal numbers asking how we’re doing. The worst is how the press has managed to wrangle our mothers into pressing us for juicy gossip. We dread the headlines that will no doubt surface shortly about Wade and Edward going home for Thanksgiving and still not having girlfriends. Or take the other day when we were at Campus Pizza this joker was all like “hey what would you like on your pizza, sir?” and we’re all like “DUDE! I’m just trying live my life! I’ll autograph a receipt for you but then you gotta get outta my grill. Also, to answer your goddamn question, halal beef and pepperoni, please.” The worst, however, are the shutterbugs. Just the other day, we were out in the park, doing our thing: spanking the monkey, training it to be better at helping the disabled. After that we were jerking it, because we’re big fans of Jamaican cuisine. But the second we started masturbating low and behold, all the paparazzi came out of nowhere to take pictures and calling their bosses at that tabloid trashrag “the police”. After we graduate, we’re moving to Sweden.
Join a Hip Religion
An important element to maintaining inner peace when famous is religion. You need people to think you’re cool and deep by appearing spiritual, but what religion do you join? Unless you want to be a Mel Gibson we don’t recommend joining one of the mainstream organizations. Instead, you need to keep it fresh. Buddhism may have cut it in the 90s and early 00s for Richard Gere and Lisa Simpson, but that scene has become way too mainstream. You could become Muhammad Ali-cool by joining a radical, segregationist, anti-Semitic, black-supremacist “sect” of Islam which actual Islam has completely distanced itself from. But even Louis Farrakhan knows where the true cool lies: through the adoption of Dianetics and teachings of L. Ron Hubbard. Yes, many of our friends in the celebrity community have adopted the truth of Scientology because there is nothing cooler than a … you know what, there is literally nothing more than can be said about Scientology than what you’ve already heard. Unless you haven’t heard Louis Farrakhan, who said that through Scientology “You can still be a Christian; you just won’t be a devil Christian. You’ll still be a Jew, but you won’t be a satanic Jew!” Of course, here at Topz (With a Z) we like to stay ahead of the curve. Yes, the cool religion we are adherents of was founded by a great man named Jim Jones. It involves an awesome vacation and free juice! Oh yeeaahhh!
Keep the Groupies at Bay
Before we were famous, it seemed that everywhere we looked there were just a bunch of dudes. All the pretty ladies would hide their faces and turn away in disgust. But now that we’ve arrived, all the pretty ladies hide their faces and turn away in shyness. Yes, it seems that not a night goes by where the only people courageous enough to hang out with us are our famous friends (i.e. each other). Although, you should see the way that women are all over us the second they see us pull out the young money cash money, then give it to them to give to their friend Pimp (weird name, we think it’s a Korean thing).
Spend Money
Being famous is difficult, and sometimes the only way to relax is to spend money. But after tuition, rent, groceries, marijuana (#420bluntz), Phil’s Grandson’s Place, and mugger, you start having a hard time on where else to spend those fat stacks. The secret is extravagance. We only buy our clothes imported from exotic countries like Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, and Thailand. Next time you feel like Panda King, treat your inner gourmand to Mr. Panino instead. This extends to the social scene as well: you can’t be caught cheaping out when courting the ladies. This is why we stopped using chatroulette and exclusively call phone lines advertised on late-night TV. Just don’t forget to record the call, so you can listen to it again when you’re out of minutes on your phone.
Say NO to Drugs
When you’re a bigshot bollystyle celebrity drugs become a constant temptation. Just this morning, someone in class offered us an acetaminophen pill, or a “tolly” as its known on the streets. It’s frankly astounding how casually people are about popping a tolly around you once you’re famous. They assume you’re just another coked out starlet like Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren. Now we’re no stranger to wild nights. We’ve had enough Bacardi Breezers over the years that we have to take off our shoes to count them. In fact, we even smoked a marijuana cigarette once. But now that we’re role models, these days are behind us. Yes, all Wade and Edward need to have a good time are restful sleeps, a healthy diet, and a morning pick-me-up with a big cup of fresh Colombian cocaine.
Unless you are as famous as us, don’t expect to need to use all these tips. Don’t be jealous, it’s a hard life that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy (especially when the Iron Warrior censors you last fucking issue), because they don’t deserve it. Don’t get caught up in your lack of stardom, all good things must come to an end eventually … actually fame is the exception. I’m going to live forever and learn how to fly high.
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