Note: Topz (With a Z) is a regular column in The Iron Warrior which employs cynical and absurd sarcasm in a paltry effort to be entertaining. Please do not take anything written below seriously at face value. If you do, you’re kind of stupid.
Love, Wade and Edward, bad boyz for life
P.S.: We aren’t really bad boyz for life. That’s an example of the kind of corny shit you shouldn’t be taking seriously, stupid. You’re the reason we have to write a disclaimer. We hate you. <3 jks
Congratulations! You’ve made it to Waterloo, and now you couldn’t escape if you wanted to… because your parents would disown you. But hey, why worry now? All that stress can wait; right now all you need to think about is making friends so that your entire university career isn’t plagued by crippling loneliness. Then after a week you can start worrying about an academic workload the likes of which you’ve never experienced, unless you were among the top of your class in high school, then you have nothing to worry about ever. Even still, we know that you’re abuzz with questions. How do I make friends? Where do I get the best deal on textbooks? Where can I find people who are holding? How do I find those handsome hunks that write for The Iron Warrior??? Of course all this would be daunting, except that we have prepared for you a list of the top wayz to make the most out of first year: academically, socially, and romantically platonically.
You’re too cool for Frosh Week:
Frosh week sucks. Yeah, we’re with you on this one. Sure, this kind of thing might be “fun” for the plebs, but a patrician like you? You know that you’re better off preparing for classes over bottles of beer and bowls of kush. This isn’t nearly hardcore enough. How are you expected to have a good time and meet people if you aren’t being pelted with eggs and drenched in puke? It’s not like you have evenings free to go to parties or anything. Everyone knows that frosh week is a 24 hour commitment. As a prospective engineer you shouldn’t waste your time with team-building events at Earn Your Hardhat, Junkyard Wars where you have to design and build projects from scratch with unconventional materials, and a smörgåsbord of events that go late into the night covering almost every niche. No, all this time could be used on more rewarding experiences, like getting stoned all day and drunk all night. Mom and Dad aren’t here to stop you anymore!
Party Don’t Stop:
Everyone knows that University is all about “the experience.” What experiences, specifically? Heck if we know, we were too busy getting drunk the whole time. Yes, everyone knows that you can’t have a good time unless you don’t remember it in the morning. After all, you’re just being social! There’s no better way to win the long-term adoration and respect of your peers than by downing a mickey of Jack Daniels out of a shoe. Don’t forget, what’s a party without sex? Not a party! Also, don’t buy into all the jazz about condoms: if the person says they are clean and on the pill/going to pull out, then that’s smooth sailing. It’s not like anyone out there would be deceptive just to get laid.
Pay Attention to Big Bang Theory:
We’re sure that many of you are fans of the smash hit “The Big Bang Theory” and are thinking that now that you’re in University your life is going to be just like it. Well you’re right! University is dull, repetitive, predictably terrible and exhausting. The first year will make things seem fresh and exciting, but it won’t take long to realize that every class is essentially the same. Also, you should totally show-off your nerd-core pride! In Waterloo you will certainly stand-out for reading xkcd, going on reddit.com, and having math-inspired t-shirts; it will be charmingly quirky and make all who see it go “Bazooper! Get a load of this guy/gal! I bet he/she knows when the Narwhal bacons! He’s/she’s a nerd, but totally owning it! Nerds FTW!” … but not literally, his (or her?) load is probably saved for anime fanfic. Just don’t mention The Game (haw haw, trolled ya!)
Join EngSoc
We know that you will hear this advice multiple times over the course of frosh week, but we really cannot understate its importance: you must devote your life in service to the Engineering Society. Now, some wishy-washies out there will attend or create a handful of EngSoc events that appeal to their pre-EngSoc hobbies and interests, make a few friends there, and use it as a platform to advocate for their class’s academic interests. These people are the unfaithful, who think outside of the box of coolness. No, the true way to use EngSoc is to be committed. only make friends in the Society, go to every Society event, and only take interest in the preapproved EngSoc interests (such as beards, Chuck Norris, and Disney). Ignore all other social distractions. After all, as IngSoc says “Ignorance is Strength”.
Hate on the Other Faculties
As an Engineer, there are a few basic principles for which you must stand: integrity, responsibility, and humility. It is in that spirit of humility that you must make an effort each and every day to humiliate anybody who has chosen a field of study different from your own. As said by Eleanor Roosevelt, “great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” We are obviously great minds since we discuss ideas, unlike those small minds that discuss people, like those people in other faculties. Now it’s your chance to join the chorus of mockery: jump on the bandwagon since it will never cease to be funny, ever! Especially not after frosh week. There’s a reason that Engineers are telling the exact same jokes that they were telling twenty years ago. People who have different ambitions, passions and interests in life are patently wrong to do so, and hence are deserving of our scorn and mockery. After all, it’s only a joke and totally cool because it’s just jokes: we’re just choking your chicken a little, pulling your chain, undermining your goals in life. ERTW (Engineers Rule The World). Bazooper!
So, in conclusion, University isn’t really so scary of a place (until finals). Just follow our helpful guide and you’ll be a regular Arthur Fonzerelli in no time at all. At the end of the day, the University experience is entirely up to you and how you feel about things depends on how you chose to perceive them. So, come find us and we’ll hook you up with very potent hallucinogens. Good luck with first year; if you actually read this article to the end, it will likely be your last.
Leave a Reply