A Highly Variable Pancake Recipe

Your midterm results are coming back. Some are good. Some are okay. Some, you don’t even want to talk about.  With those last few weighing down your mind, you stumble about in a haze of depression, unable to come to terms with your new world. Or maybe that’s just me.

Perhaps all of your midterms were excellent, but your goldfish just died. Perhaps you left a bag full of important things on a bus. Perhaps you just feel the crushing existential pressure of your life.

Whatever the cause, you need comfort foods. And there is no food more comforting than pancakes! Here is a highly variable pancake recipe to help you through your pitiful existence.

You need:  All-purpose flour. A basis of one and a half cups is a good start, but feel free to multiply this by any scalar you like. Just try to keep the ratio of flour to other ingredients the same-ish. Particularly the baking soda.  Keep an eye on that baking soda. The proper ratio is: one half-teaspoon of baking soda to every half-cup of flour.

Don’t forget the salt, or the pancakes will be absolutely rubbish. Use about 2/3 as much salt as baking soda. Sugar is, of course, equally necessary- for every teaspoon of salt, use a tablespoon of white sugar. DO NOT CONFUSE THE TWO. I know they look alike, but just- don’t. Ugh.

Add a little less milk than flour (by volume). This is highly variable- use as much as seems good to you. Knowing the right amount comes with practice, I am afraid. If it’s your first time, just use common sense. Don’t make bricks or soup. If your batter does not spread enough, add more milk. You cannot add negative milk, so if your batter is too runny you have no choice but to add a bit more flour. It is far better flavour-wise not to have to add more flour, so err on the side of less milk at first.

Now: the reason I suggested a basis of 1.5 cups of flour was because this amount requires exactly one egg. If you did take a scalar multiple of 1.5, then simply add more eggs accordingly.

One tablespoon of melted butter should be added for every half-cup of flour.

These make up your batter. Yes, of course you can put stuff in it! What good are pancakes without stuff in them? Blueberries, chocolate chips, raisins, escargot.… You’re the boss. Just please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do not put gummies in your batter. That is just sick and wrong.

Mix the dry ingredients together first; then, when they are all sifted, add the wet ingredients (milk, eggs, butter). Stir.

Heat up your frying pan and oil it. Beware of heating it too hot. Fry scoops of batter on the pan; when both sides are brown, the pancake is done. You will have to flip them over in the middle.
Eat your pancakes hot. They will improve your life, I guarantee it.