So, you’ve made it home from Thanksgiving with the old family, old friends, but a new pain in the heart that’s making you feel like an inferior vena cava. Yes, you fell prey to the infamous “Turkey Dump” and now you’re wondering, whatever will you do? The answer: be proactive, be positive and don’t take it sitting down.
Rest: Some say that the thing to do after a break-up is to hit the gym and sweat-it-off, presumably because the release of bodily fluids cleanses your aura and washes away the hurt feelings. However, what’s easier than sweating? Crying. Lock yourself in your bedroom and cry away your problems. That always solves things.
Consume: Breaking up leaves a pit in your stomach that can feel like a hole blacker than your ex’s heart. You might be wondering how to fill this hole: Religion? Family? Friendship? Hobbies? No, no, no and no. Food, dummy. Food fills you up: you should have learned this during Thanksgiving when awkwardly shoveling food in your mouth in-between whimpers.
Rebound: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but before you get that desperate there are lots of single people all around you from whom to choose. The best way to get over someone is to find a new beau (plus, if your ex sees you with someone new they’ll totally get jealous and will be sure to take you back!) Entering the dating scene after a break-up isn’t easy: you’re left with more baggage than a brown family at the airport. This might lead to social faux-pas so we recommend that you start each and every date with a long explanation of your previous relationship, how your heart was broken and how you’re totally over them. Of course, being a Waterloo Engineer we should mention that this advice can also be applied to cyber-dating … or just watching pornography. As we said earlier: releasing fluids is good for you.
Beg: Like your friends and family already knew but wouldn’t tell you to your face: you’ve realized that you can’t do better. This leaves any self-respecting engineer with one thing to do, play League of Legends then run to their house to show up at their doorstep in the middle of the night. At this point you’re probably self-conscious of how much you’ve perspired, if not, you should be. Make like Elisha Cuthbert and proclaim it then ask to go in. Now is your time to shine, show how much you care by demonstrating you are willing to break the law if anything comes between the two of you. So ignore any mention of the restraining order and keep on trucking you prospective criminal you.
Do what makes you happy: Prostitutes are not the answer when you get this desperate. The key is to go out and do what made you happy: take a tandem bike ride through the park alone, cook a meal for two for one, go to the theaters reserving the seat next to you, sleep on the more dangerous bed side closer to the window, and of course have dinner with the former in-laws…just kidding with that last one, they were the worst. Good riddance!
People care: Speaking of family, remember how much more enjoyable stuff is when you do them with others? Ensure that a friend or family member is there with you every step of the way. They care for you, help them care by having them not remind you of your irreplaceable ex. For instance, relate everything they do to something your former soul-mate did. They are more than happy to give up their personal habits to make you feel better, if not, make them know that they should. What else are friends for?
Drugs: Speaking of friends, we DO NOT ever condone the use of drugs, unless for medicinal purposes. Seeing as how horribly depressed you are, getting a prescription would be as easy as pineapple express.
Celebrate: You’ve finally rid your time of that horrible being that’s been dragging you back all this time, what else is there to do than celebrate these good times, come on! For more information see previous point.
By now you should feel a little better about your lonesome life. In all seriousness (as we have been throughout our entire time together), leave your comfort zone, meet people (MEET US…please, we’re so lonely), and travel the world to get your mind off things. We’ll leave you with this fun fact: the tallest bridge in the world is the Millau Viaduct.
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