You know what’s great? Stuff. Stuff is pretty cool. But some stuff is better than other stuff and when you’re at a party talking about stuff you might discuss the stuff which is not as good as the good stuff. Now that’s a faux pas with a capital “F”. So, to help you all out, we’ve compiled a list of the top stuff, period.
Attractive People: Who doesn’t like attractive people? Everyone knows that the best Smurf was Smurfette, that the best witch was Glinda of the North, that the best superheroes are ripped, that the best presidents have nice hair, that the first mom, Aunt Viv, on Fresh Prince was the best, that the best farm animal is the goat, et cetera. Yes, if we had to choose, we would choose to be attractive and be surrounded by attractive people. They smell nice.
Sex: As the Beatles once said, it is all you need. Sex, or “mommy-daddy grown-up wrestling”, as it’s scientifically referred to, is an act invented in the 1960s, engaged in primarily by young adults who simply forget about it by the time they reach full adulthood. The purpose of sex is to bind people together (hence the presence of an (albeit ineffective) adhesive) such that they might engage in activities otherwise inaccessible including (but not limited to) brunch, picnics, jealousy, possessiveness, exchanging of flora, and awkward introductions to parents. Also, it makes your genitals feel good.
Money: How do you get stuff? With other stuff of course; which, in today’s society, is referred to as money. If you have money, you may not have the stuff yet, but you have the potential to get any of the stuff. When others know you can get stuff, they’ll want to be around you more in hope you’ll get them stuff with your money. Why not do Scrooge McDuck proud and pour it all into a pool and go for a swim?
Social Interaction: Sometimes people can suck, but what’s worse is no people. Even Archie Bunker needs his Edith. People are cool to talk to, especially when compared to not talking to people. If you spend enough time away with people, you actually have to get to know yourself. And knowing the truth about people is totally not a top thing, starting with the man in the mirror.
Dopamine: Science, LOL. Bazinga!
Batman: Batman is so cool; he could totally beat up your dad. Don’t believe it? Batman drives the Batmobile; your dad drives standard. Batman is a billionaire playboy who has most likely slept with Catwoman; your dad slept with your mom (never forget). Batman avoids Joker’s intoxicating gas; your dad voluntarily drinks poison and gets mean and calls you a sissy for losing your pee-wee soccer game. Batman beats up criminals; your dad never hit anyone ever! That was a doorknob. Shut up. This point is done.
Chocolate: What is brown, and delicious and melts in your mouth, and isn’t Phylicia Rashad? Chocolate. And like Phylicia Rashad, chocolate is something that is good.
Nostalgia: One sure-fire way to ensure that something is incredible, brilliant, way better than anything out currently, and its lack thereof now is exactly what’s wrong with today’s youth is to make sure it is something that was popular when you were growing up. Superhero cartoons from the 1990s, old episodes of “The Simpsons”, that nifty commercial where the robot from planet danger puts his arm back on? Way cooler than modern garbage.
Epinephrine Rush: Near death experience, not part of the top stuff, but the feeling you get after is. Climbing up a wall and falling, not part of the top stuff, but having a safety harness makes the feeling neat. Racing and getting tired, nope, the feeling of flight halfway through a race, yes. Falling at terminal….you get it.
Sleep: You’ll remember what this is like after you graduate.
Music: It’s better than silence.
Video games: It’s like real-life except it’s not at all. Also, all the bullies are just 12-year-olds. Unless you’re a girl, in which case, people can get creepy … fast.
Massages: This is a double whammy if the masseuse is attractive.
Weekends: Everybody’s running and the world gets so crazy, when you work so hard there’s no time to be lazy. The weekend comes, we’re down with that, sleep a lot and make regrettable choices while drunk. Better hurry up, just got two days. Yeah, weekends are way more fun than weekdays.
Weddings: Weddings are fantastic; they’re the funeral which you get to attend. Everyone you know gets together dressed nicely, if religious there is a ceremony, there are a lot of flowers and classical music, all of your friends get up and give speeches about how great you are and how much they love you, and there are a lot of tears. Then your friends never see you again and your estate is divided up.
Birthdays: … at least they are when people remember.
Waking up before the Alarm: You feel like the biggest race-winner since White People.
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