Humour, Tin Soldier

How to Save Money on SEX TOYS

Note: This article is hosted here for archival purposes only. It does not necessarily represent the values of the Iron Warrior or Waterloo Engineering Society in the present day.

Disclaimer: None of the following is actually advocated or suggested by the author of this article. In fact, you could probably consider this to be a list of what NOT to do.

We all know these things are too expensive for the average starving student. But we’ve all got our priorities and, as engineering students, it’s important to meet our basic needs. Luckily, there are plenty of cheap replacements for all those expensive toys.

Firstly, it’s cheaper to borrow than to buy. You can either choose to borrow items from the store and return them discreetly when you’re done or try borrowing from your friends. No seriously, next time you’re invited somewhere for a party, hop over to your friend’s room and take a look around. Despite popular rumours to the contrary, STIs can’t possibly be transmitted by using the same sex toy as someone else.

Remember that cleaning supplies are expensive so don’t waste money on them, it would be silly to clean a sex toy before using it. Being too hygienic and removing bacteria is ridiculous (and bad for your health). You definitely don’t need to check if any of the materials you are using are toxic or are covered in pesticides.

Speaking of STIs, you shouldn’t always believe what you read. You cannot possibly be infected by an STI through sexual intercourse. However, if you do feel the need to use protection, saran wrap or duct tape make great replacements and are far cheaper than condoms.

Vibrators are relatively easy to find anywhere; just use your phones, electric toothbrushes, razors, and laundry machines which make great replacements for cheap. You can also just borrow your lab’s vortex mixer (so long as you return it the next day, you lab supervisor surely won’t mind).

Although your mom always told you not to play with your food, many foods do have multiple uses. Bananas and cucumbers are always popular with the ladies. Bacon grease makes great lube (and it’s naturally flavoured) but remember to be patriotic and buy only the best Canadian Bacon. Watermelons can easily be transformed into a natural Fleshlight with a simple hole.

If you are willing to spend money, remember that leashes and whips can be found at your local pet store. If you’re into S&M, Canadian Tire provides cheaper chains than the sex shop and is also stocked with wrenches (for all engineers), all kinds of clamps, and vacuum cleaners. Power drills are so wonderful you won’t feel the pain until later.

Hopefully this article will help you on your way to having the most bang for your buck. Best of luck!

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