There is no such thing as an all-around awful date movie. Even if you like French documentaries, there is, statistically speaking, someone out there for you. The same goes for Pixar buffs, blaxploitation nerds, etc. There is, however, such a thing as an all-around winning date movie. These are the ones that send unambiguously clear messages to your movie companion, affect the heart, stir the loins, or whatever. There are three main categories.
First of all, there are the power-establishin’ movies. Someone in this movie must be wielding a weapon and using it to slash their way through members of the opposite sex. Or both sexes, or the same sex. It doesn’t really matter as long as there’s some sexually-motivated violence involved. Think Thelma and Louise, Kill Bill, Basic Instinct, Fight Club, Halloween. The danger suggested by these movies will make you seem brooding, dashing, and alluring. You will also be able to utilize off the gender-neutral protective arm tactic! Do not panic if your date ducks under it and beats a path to the nearest well-lit public place.
Alternately, films about the fragility of the human condition are recommended in order to show that you are sensitive, in touch with the world, and “strong but sensitive”. Requiem for a Dream, Blue Valentine, (500) Days of Summer, Schindler’s List, and Precious all ably fulfill this purpose. Together, you and your film partner will be able to delicately touch upon the depths of the human psyche and forge a deeper emotional connection. Sadness is a fundamental part of life, so why shy away from it? Human tears are high in electrolytes. You should drink your movie buddy’s tears in order to maximize your mutual enjoyment of this movie, and to stay hydrated. Waste not, want not.
Last of all, there are the romances. Think Shakespeare in Love, The Notebook, Australia, Brokeback Mountain, Titanic. It sends a clear message about the romance you guys should aspire to! These movies can inspire you to greater heights of lurrrrrve and stuff. Occasionally people get in the way and die, but that’s life. Especially if someone dies tragically young. At least your date will be able to reminisce fondly over your corpse and write more epic romances. For best effect, don’t forget to readjust your posture in a significant manner during the sex scenes. If the other person’s spine is carefully ramrod straight, it may be symbolic.
So, that’s my official word in romantic movies. If you make it through the end of any of these with your clothes still on the problem is you. Good luck, and get cracking!