Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
3.21.2084CE, this precise day—Q.E.D .,marks the official 30th anniversary of the formation of United Provinces of Canafornia. We have come a long way.
On this day we give our gratitude to the brave women, men, and individuals who have fought and died for the attainment of our Truth. It was only through their sacrifice of yesteryear did this great nation find itself transcend into the realm of reality. It is then to be expected, that the hearts and minds of every middle-IQ-class Canaforians be with our liberators.
At times like these, I am reminded of the story of my grandparents, who immigrated to this land more than 80 years ago. Armed with nothing more than their knowledge and sheer willpower, they came here to revolutionize the world. It is thanks to foremothers like them that we are able to live our lives knowing that all information, no matter how enlightening or crude, would be and will be free of charge to all and a universal right.
However, at the same time, we are also reminded that not everyone shares our beliefs and values. I’ll say this right now, our warm relationship with Rusasia is not something that should ever be belittled. They are an important ally to this great nation. But we should stand strong and vigilant against the separatist factions within their nation who threaten our way of life. The Nabilat’s infiltration into our energy grid last year may have costed the lives of many, but they will never break the intelligence and unity we have as a nation. And if I’m elected as the next Republic Prime Minister, I will personally make sure that justice be served.
As a nation, we have at times grown to be content with ourselves over the years. We have forgotten about the the seed from which this nation flourished from, the seed which our foremothers nurtured so carefully over the decades. Canafornia has always been known as the land of innovation and intelligence. But the leadership in Parliament today displays neither qualities and suppresses both. This election campaign is more than just about replacing an incompetent government that has led our nation astray and unable to defend ourselves from the hacking activities of our enemies. This campaign is about restoring Canafornia back to its roots and back to being a superpower. As Republic Prime Minister, I will allocate more resources to the Department of Electronic Defence and Cryptography which will ensure the safety of every Canafornian citizen.
Altruism, another one of our greatest values will be given more focus at the Parliament once I become Republic Prime Minister. More funding will be provided to the Department of Altruism, which will ensure that all Canafornian citizens will have the basic necessity needed for post-secondary education. Citizens in the lower-IQ-class will especially appreciate the middle-IQ-class’s support and it is only through this mutual understanding of compassion can we continue on as a nation that upholds the values of Truth.
It is also important to reiterate my view that those in the upper-IQ-class should contribute more of their free time and resources to the pursuit of scientific research. Their contribution to society is not at full capacity given the amount of raw brainpower they posses. As an individual born with a high IQ myself, too often do I see my peers squander their lives away on the trivial pursuit of virtual entertainment. Our society will be much better off if we can get more upper-IQ-class Canafornians to contribute on things that will make Canafornia more prosperous for the benefit of all.
I want to thank all of you for your support by coming out today. Your presence here is a direct demonstration of just how much the current administration have failed to fulfil the dreams of our nation. I also want to thank my wife of 21 years, Eve—I would never be here today if it weren’t for you. Fellow citizens, that is all I have to say for today. I invite you all to reflect upon my views with logic and reason, and that hopefully you make the right choice on election day. This nation can’t afford another term under Facebook’s rule.
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