Bean Buzz: You Can Call Me Ms. Bean!

Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.

Howdy my lovely readers, my name is Erica Watercousin and today I’m going to teach you about the wonderful world of coffee! I am an avid coffee drinker and it’s basically all that is keeping me alive these days. Without any further ado let’s get to the coffee!

Unsurprisingly, the best coffee comes from whole beans. Put them directly into the basket of your coffee maker as you brew. Even better coffee comes from a French press but unfortunately you can only get French pressed coffee in France, or if someone French is brewing it (and no, Quebecer’s are not French). I really enjoy my coffee shaken, not brewed. To do this, go to your local paint store and insert your travel mug (full of whole coffee beans and hot water) into their best paint shaker for approximately 2 minutes. Once you have made your coffee, be sure to wait until it is at room temperature before drinking it. This will allow all the coffee flavour to evenly disperse into your coffee!

Now let’s discuss the best types of coffee. Obviously, the darker the roast of your beans the more caffeine is in them. In addition, coffee gets better as it ages, just like whiskey. Store your coffee for a minimum of 2 years if you are aging it. Moreover, your workplace is an excellent source for great coffee – it’s already room temperature, no waiting involved! If you are lucky it may even be the holy grail of coffee – instant coffee!!! Finally, I highly recommend Kicking Horse coffee – it’s made with 100% real bucking bronco bits.

And remember, please try to act as a global citizen and buy unfair trade coffee. It gives more profits to the people who pick the beans, which is the best for everyone! YAY! Finally, if you ask really nicely, the CnD can make you espresso (it’s just really fast coffee). There’s a secret machine in the back room, if you want some fresh espresso please tell a cashier the secret code “The monkey is hungry”. Give them a wink, they will know exactly what you are talking about and will get you your espresso.

Until next time, stay jittery and twitchy!