SOAP VS. SOPA VS. OSAP VS. NOSS: Getting a Girlfriend

Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.

SOAP

Having problems with the ladies? Are people around you commenting, “What the [not-sexy] smells like [poop]?” Well then you should try using some soap! Soap is an inexpensive, nice smelling, and easy way to fix all those problems! Soap is a time-proven method to remove body odour while at the same time making you smell like anything, from cinnamon rolls to a flower shop. Furthermore, statistics have shown that by using soap multiple times in a day, a male engineer’s chance of finding a significant other increases by over 1%! This increases your chance from 0.000001% to 1.000001%; it is that not amazing? Now you’ll no longer be “forever alone”!

Let’s compare this to other proposed methods of acquiring a significant other.

SOPA lets the government take anything that even remotely looks like copyright infringement and force you to take it down or face persecution make sure everyone is all happy and safe! The magic of statistics shows that SOPA will reduce your chance of finding a girlfriend by OVER 9000!!! greatly increase your chance of a getting a girlfriend!

OSAP looks good on the outside but leaves you in a horrible mess afterwards; kind of like that dinner you ate at some sketchy restaurant that made you sit on and/or hug the toilet for the rest of the night. However, in those situations, soap can come to save the day by making you smell nice again, it is just that good. Lastly, NOSS is just a sadistic grumpy-glump that hates everyone and as a result you should hate him too.

SOPA

Government control is essential to ward off chaos is awesome. Therefore, the Stop Anti-Piracy Act (SOPA) is a really terrible way to keep our personal freedoms the best method of keeping the government in control. But, how does this relate to acquiring a girlfriend supporting Big Brother? Well, free speech government control is the best way to express yourself let your personality shine love for Big Brother help find that special person you adhere to the rules of the government.

Now, on to why the competitors are actually good why you should love SOPA even more. Soap makes you smell nice and there is nothing more that the girls like than nice smelling people a horrible stealing heathen that likes to use things that steal their names from SOPA. OSAP is a great way for those less financially lucky students to have access to important useless post-secondary education by providing them with low-interest loans control by a different government system. NOSS is better than nothing should not exist because it copies everyone else, infringing on SOPA jsdlkfjlkasjdf.

On a more serious note the powers granted by SOPA allow for an infinite chain of suing over protecting copyright content. Protecting copyright holder’s rights is good, but at the same time accessing content should be easy for the end user highly controlled and once you buy content you should not have to jump through hoops to use it should never be shared without paying, ever.

OSAP

Short on money for that special night out? Credit card maxed out from trying to find that special someone? Well then, OSAP is definitely the choice for you. To be eligible for OSAP you and/or your parents have to be making under a certain amount of money (Refer to “Large Numbers”). Its a interest free loan until six months after you graduate, designed to help students pay for university. Furthermore, OSAP funds do not need to be claimed unless you actually need to pay for something. You have an on-demand interest free loan that can be used at any time. This is far superior to using a credit card and having the evil monkeys at the bank throw immense amounts of feces at your credit score. Generally, most girls don’t like feces (keyword “most”) or people with credit card debt. Also since you will be making awesome monies on co-op, you’ll be able to pay back the OSAP debt fairly easily.

You can think of OSAP as one of those “Challenge Accepted” moments. SOAP, SOPA and NOSS do not give those opportunities ever. SOAP cleans things which can help with the aforementioned monkeys but still doesn’t fix your money problem, only compounds it. SOPA can remove increase money making outlets (blogs, etc.) if you even link to a single piece of potentially copied content obey the law and potentially lead to prevent legal troubles (not good bad… ever). Lastly, NOSS doesn’t have anything positive to contribute to this argument so we’ll just ignore it.

NOSS

You know what sucks? SOAP, SOPA and OSAP. Why, because you are an engineer; it takes luck, skill and possibly a bit of mojo (They serve it at POETS sometimes) which are the same skills you need to get a girlfriend. Getting a girlfriend is a true “Challenge Accepted” moment, especially if you are a person who is scared of meeting people outside of engineering.

So here are the reasons why you should stop trying to rely on other things, mainly SOAP, SOPA or OSAP, to help you find a girlfriend.

Firstly, you need to actually talk to the opposite sex to acquire a girlfriend. None of the aforementioned solutions will magically make you grow balls of steel that will make you start interacting with girls, not even the blue pill. Specifically, smelling nice does not automatically make people like you, EVER! In fact many people find perfumed soaps offensive.

Secondly, showing girls that awesome video of some mildly attractive male playing the guitar is NOT going to entice them to go out with you. Girls would rather have you play for them, even if all you can play is “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”; showing that another guy can do something you can’t is not helping your cause. Now, this relates to SOPA because if you record some awesome video playing some other guy’s song to show off your “mad skillz”, you can get into legal trouble. Let’s say the guy who wrote that song goes “[Punk], please that’s my [song],” and complains to the government. You are figuratively as messed up as that guy walking out of the first year physics midterm.

Lastly, having the ability to perpetually buy things greatly assists in the dating scene, especially when you are paying for dinner most of the time. Therefore, borrowing money is not good, even the United States disapproves… OH WAIT. But enough about our bankrupt southern brethren, debt of any kind is bad. Don’t fall into that trap, buy only stuff you need (Geese dolls not included in that, not ever).