Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
Note: Maximum enjoyment can be derived from reading aloud, imaging the author telling his story…
A plank. That’s what you get. Shaped and waxed to perfection. Boots, bindings, board, and helmet, ready to go. Also, many layers to ward off another hazard that could get you hurt.
Simple physics – that’s all you need. Imagine a block on a slope – that is you with the board. The only things holding you to the hill are the normal and frictional forces. Try the bunny hill and there’s quite a lot of friction – almost the maximum possible while still moving. Try the double black diamond at Blue Mountain and you’re asking for a very high vertical velocity, usually in the downward direction, unless you’re wearing a jetpack of some sort.
The first sketch describes the beginner snowboarder, happily starting out their day looking for success while trying something new. The second sketch is an attempt to skirt the line between the thrill of an adrenaline rush and inelastic deformation (that means whatever breaks doesn’t bounce back, you probably knew that, but I like phrases like that). The second is much riskier than the first and should only be attempted if you are experienced or have some sort of anti-falling ray.
In order to provide you with a more comprehensive view of the rigours one must go through to become a Grade A Falling Ace, a review of snowboard wipeouts is provided to you, my lovely readership.
The Propeller: Going full tilt with the board pointed to the hill, the rider bails while banking. To dissipate kinetic energy, the rider proceeds to enter into a rolling motion on the hill. Viewed from the side, the board looks like a spinning propeller.
Double Barrel Roll: Falling face first, but a more experienced rider will learn to roll with the punches, or along them. Going for a tumble is not all bad; at least you get a view of what your feet would look like if they touched the sky. Twice!
I will close off with my favourite, The Scorpion. It’s called the scorpion because it resembles a scorpion stabbing itself in the back with its stinger. This technique is a rare and unique one indeed, only practiced by fallers of a seasoned and bruised nature. While riding heel edge, the rider attempts to snow plow and slow down. Foolishness, as the coefficient of friction is too high to stop you slowly! A graceful move that can only be termed as a swan dive, the rider leaps through the air headfirst, coming to a grinding halt on the side of the hill facedown. But wait! We’re not done; he still has some rotational energy left! What shall we do about that, you ask? Well, we’ll swing the board back onto his back so that the snowboard edge can see just how tough the thin layers of fabric and human skin are against the almighty blade of justice known as the metal rim. This bold move leaves the rider a little more discouraged than before and in much more pain since there may be a gash wound across his back.
So, as you can see, gravity is not always our friend; it is sometimes our foe. If you find yourself alone at night, in a dark alley with gravity, please run. Run far, far away.
My lovely readership, this experience with you has taught me that despite broken bones, I will probably continue to do foolish things like this. Please enjoy your rides responsibly and safely and do not attempt any of the aforementioned moves listed in this article.
Much love,
Griff Grifferson
Green Vs. Double Black Diamond
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