*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
For years people have pointed out the various ‘inaccuracies’ in video game physics, things like the so called “Double Jump”, changing direction and momentum in midair, and impossibly strong cover. Just how does that wooden crate withstand a nuclear explosion, and why does the evil supervillain store a single clip of ammunition and a first aid kit inside every single one of them? Well I have had to opportunity to interview some of the leading gaming physicists to find out the truth behind these phenomena and why they have not been put to use in general society.
The names of these scientists would probably add credibility to the claims, as would the academic institutions they come from. But that would require a breach of security that would get me killed, and coming up with pseudonyms takes too much imagination. So let’s call them Bob and Doug (Not Mackenzie) and they are from their parent’s basements. There, with those technicalities out of the way, on to science!
One of the oldest causes of confusion has been the common wooden crate, which has existed since the dawn of gaming and has offered both unbelievably strong cover against enemy as well as a veritable treasure trove of loot and weapons. You may be asking about the claims of wooden crates being in every game since the dawn of time. “What about Pong?”, I hear you say. Well, have any of you seen Pong in 3D? I didn’t think so. You see, that paddle you move across the screen is actually a very narrow wooden crate painted white, which is why it can withstand the constant impact of the energy sphere. These are the kinds of gaming insights you only get when you interview Doug over a lunch of his Mom’s best microwaved pizza pops.
The invulnerability of the wooden crates is actually due to the fact that they are made of nonblowupium, but they are then coated in wood paneling to make them look more homey. Every super villain wants the perfect secret hideout to conquer the world in, and nothing adds the same charm as a wooden crate. Of course, you always get those rebels who want to go for the modern or post-modern hideout complete with volcano and killer sharks with lasers on their heads. In these cases, the villain may break the standard and go against the grain by not putting wood veneer on the raw nonblowupium. These villains are never confronted at the annual Christmas party, but everyone shuns them, so they know who they are. Wow, that was a tangent, anyway, back to their amazing strength properties. Villains love these crates because they are great for taking shelter behind when running like a wimp from the hero when they escape your evil death trap. The one drawback behind these crates is that the strength of nonblowupium is inversely proportionally to the impact velocity and energy output of the projectile. This means that you will be perfectly safe from a nuclear explosion (this material was also in the refrigerator in Indiana Jones 4) but punching or kicking the crate will cause it to fall apart like a piñata, providing its bountiful wealth of powerups, money, ammunition and health packs.
This brings us to the second important use of crates, they are the perfect storage space for all of the things a villain needs when fleeing from the hero. Unfortunately the architects who designed the secret evil base for the villain, and were subsequently shot by said villain, always seem to only provide one main hallway through the entire building that leads the hero right to the secret inner hideout of the villain. This means that the hero ends up using all of the villain’s supplies before beating them to a pulp. Theft charges would normally be laid (wouldn’t you be angry if someone broke into your secret lair of world domination and stole all your batteries?) but the villain always ends up dead, so the courts just throw out the case when it comes to a judge. Also the jury is normally biased towards the hero because they stopped them from dying in a giant robot attack – it’s so hard to get a good jury these days. So now you know everything there is to know about the humble “wooden” crate.
The next wonder of videogame physics is a phenomenon known as “Non-surface traction”. This force is what makes it possible for videogame characters to take a second jump even after they have already left the ground. While normal people have yet to master the art of jumping off of air, it has been perfected over the years in the world of videogames. The art has been honed to such a level that it is now possible to change your direction of travel and even your trajectory after you have already left the ground. Everyone has been in that situation where you are trying to jump across the giant mutant venus flytrap in order to jump over the mutant turtle bombs and reach the friendly dinosaur. It is such a common occurrence, but people have long been plagued by death after misjudging the distance. With non-surface traction it is possible to redirect your motion or take a second jump once you are already airborne to increase your jumping distance or correct for bad aim. Never again must you use one of your extra lives just because physics is stupid. You can punch physics in the face and rewrite the textbook yourself — who needs momentum anyway?
The final gaming phenomenon I was able to wrestle out of Bob by providing him with a new Xbox 360 controller (he had broken his in frustration but was too pale to go outside without burning up – but at least he didn’t sparkle), the reason for polite henchmen. This is less physics and more psychology, but it finally explains why enemies like to approach the hero one at a time rather than just charging them and beating them to death. You see, it is deeply ingrained in the standard evil henchman that they are fed and allowed to continue breathing based on their performance in hand-to-hand combat. It is simple logic that if you storm the hero and defeat them as a group, there is no way to determine who dealt the death blow and who just gave them a bruise. This may seem trivial to us, but when it means the difference between a Joe Louie and a Twinkie for your two weeks rations guarding corner 3 in corridor 7 of Secret Evil Headquarters 9, it can get pretty cut throat.
Unfortunately, some villains are trying to undercut the competition by giving equal pay to all henchmen regardless of whether they kill 10 innocent bystanders per day or only 8. What gives these henchmen the drive to defeat the hero? It all comes down to the Christmas bonus at the end of the year, that is where the hallway guards are separated from the tower snipers. You may be wondering who these villains are that are breaching the sacred evil mastermind trust, well we don’t really know. First the shiny crates instead of the wood veneer, and now this, just know that they will be shunned at the next Christmas party. They may even have a spelling mistake on their table setting.
Back on topic, armed combat is different than hand-to-hand combat. Here, both evil henchman (or thugs as they prefer to be called) and the hero’s allies commonly act in the same way. Both groups attempt to show how dedicated they are to their boss by running out into the middle of the battleground and collecting as many bullets as possible. The largest lead count is normally achieved by the person who stands directly in front of their allies, this allows them to collect the bullets directly to the chest while also blocking their ally from collecting their own bullets. It’s simple psychology really.
So there you have it, the biggest secrets of videogame physics and psychology revealed. Who knows how long before these amazing breakthroughs are available to the public, but we can only hope it is soon. Thanks go out to Bob and Doug for their insight into the amazing world of video games (the conspiracy theory about the dragons was really great too Bob, but I just didn’t have time to write it in, I promise I’ll put it in next time, really). Keep on Gaming!
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