*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
Apple Computer Inc. Once the most valuable company in the world after surpassing Exxon Mobile in the past year has come crashing down after the loss of the great Steve Jobs. It was recently discovered, Steve Jobs had a type of charisma which cannot be replicated and has been determined as the major building block of Apple’s steamrolling success. This charisma has been dubbed the “Reality Distortion Field” where one person can make something so simple, cheap, and lackluster, yet be able to sell it to consumers at higher than market prices.
The “Reality Distortion Field” (RDF) can travel in most mediums from the source, whether its freespace, and can be transmitted digitally through any type of visual media. It’s believed the RDF occupies a slim portion of the visible light spectrum which allows it to be transmitted at the speed of light around the world through any type of electronic device.
Apple, after discovering the powers of the RDF, realized they needed a vessel to transport this charismatic power to allow it to reign supreme in the consumer electronic market. The first vessel for which the RDF was transmitted was a product called the iPod which was released in 2001. It was an absolute hit, transforming not just how people listen to music, but the whole industry itself.
The RDF transmitted in the iPod allowed for the iPhone to be the next major launch vehicle for which to continue Apple’s hunger to brainwash the weak. And so it did. It’s among the most, if not the most popular smartphones on the market today. Antenna problems? Easy shattering glass construction? Battery issues? Weak internal upgrade? Such issues would never be tolerated by consumers on any other electronic device, but with Apple’s powerful RDF, any issues could have been overcome.
Or so they thought…After the death of Steve Jobs, interest in Apple’s products began to wane. Although the company spoke publicly of having several years of products in the pipeline designed by Steve Jobs himself, the weakening remnants of the RDF was not enough to keep followers on board and the hipsters, baristas, and “creatives” abandoned ship in droves.
Apple’s stock price plummeted to 15 year lows, now just hovering above $5 per share – a valuation of just above $4.6 billion. Rumours of a takeover proved true yesterday as Waterloo’s own Research In Motion Inc., hot after a successful and riot inducing launch of a smartphone in Indonesia, announced it has successfully completed a hostile takeover of Apple Computer Inc. Complete details of the company purchase aren’t fully know just yet, but a spokesperson for RIM stated that the company hopes to complete the transaction soon after the release of OS 2.0 for the company’s astonishingly successful PlayBook tablet which they expect to be out by the year 2020ish…
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