Re: The IW office
To whom it may concern,
The office of The Iron Warrior is generally a nice place to stay. There’s always plenty of food, it’s airy and cheerful and just a great place to be when no one else is around. For us flies, the IW office, as it’s affectionately dubbed, is generally just a little piece of heaven. However, from time to time, (every two weeks, to be precise) it becomes the worst place to be. Your production people start showing up early Friday afternoon and laze about on their laptops and computers. They throw their stuff around and get settled in as if they owned the place. They don’t leave the office until the late hours of the night and when they do, they’re always careful to take out that delectable source of wonder, which you know as the garbage. And that’s only the beginning of a weekend-long marathon of disturbances.
On Saturdays, your staff shows up around 9am, which is far too early. Again, they stay in the office all day long, not giving us one minute of respite. If one of my unfortunate fellows dares to show himself during this time he will be received, at first, with rude swatting motions, and later, with aggression. I, myself, have lost count of the number of times that a person widely brandishing a newspaper has only narrowly missed my wingtips. To add insult to injury, a tally has been set up on the white board as a result of your staff competing to kill the most flies using Imprint. This is an outrage and must be stopped at once. It is also on Saturdays that they disgracefully attempt to explain why time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana. People should just accept that flies like things.
Sundays of production weekend are the worst of all. It is on this day that your staff screams without patience and manages to torture us further by bringing in food that they refuse to share, even when the bravest of my comrades exposes himself to seize a crumb. As a result of all these weekends of torture, I must request that you apologise without delay for the mortal wounds you have inflicted upon no less than six of my comrades and turn in the murderers, especially Krishna Iyer, so that justice can be carried out. I also demand that your staff relinquish the use of the IW office to us immediately and, in apology for all the trauma they have caused, provide us with no less than three garbage-cans full of organic waste which should be left to decompose, spread on the floor of the IW office until the beginning of January. Similar arrangements must be made with the incoming Editor-in-Chief. She should be warned that we will not be so lenient in the future if the IW office is ever again invaded by people.
Sincerely,
Albert the Fly
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