Humour, Uncategorized

P: Are Squirrels Cute?

Note: This article is hosted here for archival purposes only. It does not necessarily represent the values of the Iron Warrior or Waterloo Engineering Society in the present day.

Do you want to know what the cutest little rodent is? The squirrel, clearly! Although it’s third cousin the chipmunk is close runner up. But why are squirrels so gosh darn cute? You can tame a squirrel. It’s true and it takes a lot of effort, much more effort than taming a chipmunk.

See, chipmunks are like rodents with ADD and the thing constantly on their mind is, “must find food, must hide food, will do whatever to fill cheeks with food, run in circles, find food, find food….”. As a result, you can tame a chipmunk in a few weeks as I have my cottage up in the middle-of-butt-f***-nowhere. Once you tame one, they tend to get annoying and the cute thing gets old. I’ll be sitting quietly on a lounge chair on the deck reading a book and the friggin little rodent jumps on me, climbs up my arms, onto my head, then jumps down onto the book, takes a piss on the pages and continues to scurry all over me. I yell, “Chippy, F*** OFF!” and move abruptly to scare him, but he comes back until I finally feed him. Chipmunks are kinda like vacuum cleaners, they don’t eat the food you give them, they inhale it then go regurgitate it elsewhere and come back within minutes to do it all again.

Squirrels on the other hand are much more timid to it takes over a month to train one of them and they never get quite as comfortable with humans as do chipmunks. My dad took the time to tame the squirrels at my cottage and they were (notice the past tense) so much fun! The squirrels came 2-3 times a day to be fed, and they always came to the same part of the deck and waited for one of us to show up. The nice thing is that the squirrel actually eats the food. The squirrel will sit on the table beside you eating food out of your hand until its full which takes up to ten minutes. They are so cute to watch eat. They hold the peanuts kind of like a burger with adorable, dextrous little paws. When they’re done, they scamper away and then leave you alone until they’re hungry again in a few hours.

The only unfortunate thing about squirrels is that they are determined little buggers. Once they tried to get into our cottage, we knew they wouldn’t stop so they had to be done away with (and by done away, I mean my cottage was turned into a full out shooting range for a few days as a few of my family members who I will not name ran around the cottage with guns and shot ever last squirrel as I watched in horror). L

Furthermore, Alex Giroux cannot appreciate the cuteness of squirrels. She is so distraught by her summertime attack by pirates while reading Twilight that she has lost all ability to find anything cute. As a result, she has decided to take her bitter rath out on adorable squirrels. Therefore, you should not believe anything she writes because she is a bitter fourth year. There, I said. I’m going to run away now and live with squirrels because I secretly/not so secretly fear her.

Leave a Reply