Alcoholism: The New Inner Peace

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A high school yoga course had been cancelled for several weeks due to complaints received from parents of students enrolled in the course. The parents claim that yoga is more like a religion than actual exercise to promote fitness after reports of students repeatedly chanting “All hail the Pink Tie.”

Several meetings have been held by the school, attended by parents and the teacher, to discuss what actions to take so the course may continue without associations with religion. After much talk, the school board concluded to bring the course back but with a slight twist. It is now mandatory for students to consume alcohol in the yoga studio.

The local police have agreed to allow underage drinking, but only within the yoga studio.

“How will my son be able to think of religion when he can’t even stand up straight? It’s the perfect solution,” says Mr. Angus, who is credited for having the idea and sharing it at one of the meetings.

Local scientists at the University of Waterloo have claimed teaching teenagers to control their bodies when intoxicated at this age is very beneficial. It will help them acquire some restraint when they are legally allowed to consume alcoholic beverages.

The yoga instructor was surprised by the results and claims that “Beer Yoga” is much more effective in acquiring inner peace than yoga alone ever was. With the added relaxation provided by this depressant (the misconception being that alcohol makes you hyper), the path to inner peace has become achievable. The students experience mind-numbing peace, despite the deficient capacity to remain on their feet. It is also important to note the instructor is intoxicated during the lesson, more so than students due to having to teach the course multiple times a day.

There is talk by the teachers of offering “High Yoga” for students who do not wish to consume alcohol. The goal of High Yoga will be to promote breathing exercises.

With the intoxicating success of this new phenomenon, this course has inspired many universities nationwide to create beer yoga clubs. The most surprising aspect of the newfound popularity of beer yoga is the talk of creating a new program called “Beer Engineering” at the University of Waterloo. Many students have shown interest in switching from their current engineering program to Beer Engineering if it is created.

Research and testing has begun to see if other courses may also improve with the addition of alcohol consumption. Potential courses to add this benefit include: beer math, beer business, beer science and, the most suggested option by students, beer lunch.

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