Ye gods I hate squirrels. Seriously. I grew up in a city that was slowly being taken over by gophers, which are not only considered nuisance animals out West, but they’re also becoming immune to the strychnine that gets put down holes in a valiant but failing effort to control the vermin. So when I say squirrels are worse, believe me. It’s bad.
There are two problems with the squirrels here in Waterloo. First of all, they’re relatively smart. If you don’t think that’s true, consider this: squirrels know enough to get out of the path of a moving vehicle. A gopher? Not so much. This is the one reason that I wasn’t eaten by a swarm of gophers the last time I went home – the species may be able to survive strychnine but I’ll be damned if they’ll ever figure out how to avoid getting run over by a farm truck. But the squirrels HAVE. Which, if anything, tells me that gophers are really just poorly lobotomized squirrels with no tails, but that’s beside the point. My point is: Squirrels are smart. Beware.
The second problem with squirrels is that unlike gophers, which are restricted to ground level unless that evolutionary lobotomy is reversed and they suddenly show up in Aero learning how to build themselves wings, squirrels can CLIMB. And not just because there are actually trees in Ontario. No, squirrels can climb, and they know it. They also understand gravity. I know at least three people with some pretty epic squirrel attack stories involving either climbing or falling squirrels. I’ll start with the most recent. I got two texts one day, one after another: “OMG i just broke the fall of a very pissed off squirrel” and then “I hope i dont need to get rabies shots again”. Now, disregarding the fact that the sender had to specify “again” at the end of the second text, squirrels do get rabies. I think. For the sake of argument let’s assume they do. Rabies shots are not fun. Or so I am told. Just say no kids. Another friend has a suspiciously similar story, and I’m sure they’re not the only ones. That’s right – squirrels will turn gravity against you – they’ll lie and wait in their trees and then when you least expect it, they’ll drop on you at the rate of 9.81 m/s^2. If you’re lucky, they’ll miss. If you’re not, you’ll end up with a very angry ill-fitting hat and a good story to tell at the ER.
The 2+1nth way that squirrels will screw with you is that they can climb on YOU. That’s right, I finally figured out why people who wear baggy pants have started to tuck their cuffs into their socks. It’s not to keep the pants out of the mud – it’s to keep squirrels out of the pants. And yes, it has happened. Squirrels know what they want.
So the next time you see a squirrel sitting in a tree looking all cute and shit, whatever you do, don’t trust it. And then run. Run far away.
I was supposed to attack my worthy opponent personally in this article, but I just can’t. I’m afraid if I do she’ll throw glitter at me. Besides, she likes Twilight. Why not put the book out of it’s misery and use it as a weapon against squirrels – throw it at them or better yet, perform a dramatic reading on the Grad House green. Just make sure you either provide some heavy duty ear protectors or a bottle of booze for any humans who might happen to come within earshot, or else they might just team up with the squirrels and do something terrible to Robert Pattinson, whatserface-the-whiny-git and Stephanie Meyer, and then what would we have to make fun of these days? I mean apart from Amanda. It’s kind of a given.