Humour, Tin Soldier

Covid Variant Naming System Outrages Local Frat

Fraternity Alpha Delta Omicron - Courtesy of Ewan Simms

These days, the only thing in the news seems to be whatever new COVID-19 variant has been discovered with each one being named after a new Greek letter. Most people see no issue with this naming system, but they are forgetting how this affects a very prominent group in our society: fraternities. In a Tin Soldier exclusive interview, we sat down with Chad McChadson, leader of the local frat Alpha Delta Omicron, to discuss what the group thinks of this.

 

What was your frat’s reaction to hearing about the Alpha variant, the first one to share a name with yours?

Are you kidding? We thought it was hilarious. Of course, COVID is a very bad thing, but hearing a part of our name become a name for a disease just had us all laughing. The only reason any of us watched the news was to hear it. Plus, lots of things have Alpha in their name, so we didn’t think it was a big deal.

 

Did you still think it was funny when the Delta variant came along?

Well, you know, then [censored] got really bad. I mean, I’ve heard of Delta before – it’s a hotel and an airline and stuff – but a disease? That’s some next level [censored]. It got [censored] insane after that. (At this point, McChadson was reminded to watch his language before continuing with his answer.)

 

The Delta variant was pretty bad here in Waterloo, so from then on, my brothers and I have been very careful when it comes to COVID. Since two of the letters of our name were also diseases, we didn’t want to damage our esteemed reputation here by not following public health rules. So, no, it was no longer funny. It was especially not funny when our youngest member, Ty Tyler, got sick, but he was nursed back to health with the power of brotherhood.

 

So the Delta variant was what made you guys take COVID seriously?

I mean, we were taking it seriously before, we just stepped it up a bit after that. Come on, two of the three letters of our name? Some of the guys started thinking that whoever names the variants has it in for us.

 

Recently there’s been a new variant discovered, called the Omicron variant. What are your thoughts now that all three letters of your frat’s name are variants?

Well, I can’t tell you my true thoughts about it because you told me to stop swearing, but now we’re all convinced that somebody has to have it in for us. There’s no other possible explanation for it.

 

How has this affected what the public thinks about Alpha Delta Omicron?

Other than when they’re filing noise complaints against us, our neighbours are usually nice enough. I can imagine we aren’t exactly ideal to live next to. But now, they’re giving us the silent treatment. They’re acting like they can catch the variants from talking to us.

As for, like, the general public, I have a feeling we won’t be getting any new pledges this year. The COVID variant frat is a bit of a hard sell. We’ll probably lose any potential new pledges to Sigma Rho Sigma, those lucky [censored] don’t share any part of their name with a disease.

 

Is the frat planning to change their name because of this?

Of course not! We had the name first. We won’t let COVID steal it from us.

 

Is there anything you’d want to tell the WHO about their choice of the Greek alphabet for their variant naming system?

Yeah, I’d tell them they need to realize that it’s highly disrespectful.

 

Disrespectful towards whom? Greek people?

What? Why would I care about Greek people? It’s disrespectful towards Greek life. We might be the only frat that’s somehow ended up with all parts of our name as a variant, but we are far from the only ones who are having this happen. This is going to deter people from joining! A world without Greek life would be very tragic. Just to be clear, I think COVID is bad. But dude, don’t drag us down with you! The members of the WHO must not be frat brothers, or they would’ve picked a different naming system.

 

What are your frat’s plans going forward?

We will not hold any parties until it is safe to do so, and even then we will wait until everyone has long forgotten about these variants. Not like anyone would want to come to a party at the COVID variant frat house right now anyway – they’d probably blame us if they got even a tiny cold afterwards. Our name might be a bunch of diseases, but we are taking the precautions very seriously.

 

Thank you for your time today, Chad.

Of course. You can come back anytime, just make sure Kyle checks your vaccine passport at the door.

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