Is Carbon Tax Worth Your Life?

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Posted on: March 27, 2019

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

There are two guarantees in life: death and taxes.

It’s been a few months of the carbon tax and the provinces have seen a real serious impact. The $10 per tonne carbon tax has nearly destroyed the Canadian economy. It’s 2008 again with a terrible recession. Large Canadian employers such as Carbon Co. have fired all their Canadian employees under the grounds that the tax is too high to make a profit. Companies refuse to ship goods to Canada because the gas is too expensive for trucks. There are no jobs. There is no food in the stores. Even the little food in the stores are ridiculously expensive. The carbon tax has changed the price of a carrot $20. Why? Because the gas for it is so expensive.

Canadians wouldn’t even be able to flee the country to find better work unless they walked. Canadians can’t afford to drive anymore. The price at the pumps is too high. Canadians are selling their homes so that they can afford gas for their cars just so that they drive to work.

Moreover, Ottawa is basically asking Canadians to fork over $100 per liter on false grounds. Everyone knows that climate change is a hoax. Look at this past winter: it was freezing!

It’s not like recent summers have broken record temperatures and sea levels are rising at an alarming rate. The only evidence of that is actual measured data from the National Centers for Environmental Information and NASA, respectively. What do those organizations know anyway? They just have scientists with years of education working for them. They probably have no expertise in the area. Even if climate change was real, it’s not like carbon pollution has anything to do with it. There are absolutely no correlations between rising CO2 levels and rising temperatures.

Even if CO2 emissions were a problem, it’s not like Canada is the only country doing it. Other countries have pollution emissions too. Therefore, we have no obligation to reduce our carbon emissions at all. Other countries will do all the work so we don’t have to.

A carbon tax is just a way for the government to line their pockets. The rebates given to Canadians during tax season must be coming from somewhere else because the money is definitely going to profit the Prime Minister.

If we let Ottawa continue this environmental crusade Canadians aren’t going to be allowed to burn fluoroform fires in their backyards because the gas is apparently killing the planet. How can a gas kill a planet? It’s just rock?

Who needs the planet anyway? SpaceX is doing great. Canadians should be able to not pay any tax. If carbon levels are too high, the only dangers would be a depleted ozone layer leading to harmful radiation and an increase in natural disasters. If that happens, humans will just leave. That’s simple enough. It’s way easier to colonize Mars than it is to reduce carbon emissions.

Maybe Canadians will plant a few trees. That’ll help, right?

It doesn’t matter anyway. The tax isn’t worth it.

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