Trump Satire

Aaron Propp - 2B Computer
Posted on: July 18, 2018

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Cucumber farmers – they’re under attack. I tell Justin, Justin what do you have against American cucumbers? You know what he says – pretty boy Justin, I loved his father, great man, terrific man – I’m banning Heinz ketchup. I feel bad for Canadians – great nation, love their polar bears, even better than the Russian ones – now they won’t be able to have Heinz ketchup with their Big Macs.

pEOPLE sAY I Can’t dO English. I capitalize for effect. Capitalization adds effect – bet you didn’t know that did you. The Chinese got a bad deal, they don’t even have capital letters in China. Horrible deal – almost as bad as the Iran Nuclear deal. Which I tore up, best move I ever made. Second best move was marrying Melania. She can make great things with cucumbers – her and Barron, second favourite son after Eric – the way they slice cucumbers, amazing. Great slices, tremendous slices.

The liberal media – lock ’em up, I say – the constitution starts at the second amendment. The crooked New York Times say I can’t keep on topic. Topics are great, except hot topic – they compete with Ivanka. If Ivanka weren’t my daughter I might be dating her. I just met with Theresa – great relationship – she should listen to me. I told her to Brexit ages ago. Just told her today about my daily briefings. She was surprised. I get tremendous briefings- also Ivanka makes great briefs, you should buy them, they fit so comfortably.

As I started off, I’m very coherent. I just intentionally cover multiple topics in a speech with the occasional contradictory opinion. Italians can’t make pizza, where’s there Hawaiian pizza. Did you know pizza originated in Hawaii. They Italians stole it from us – America first, Italy last. Tremendous country, love their prime minister Putin. Great guy, always riding around on horses.

I’ve always wanted a horse, my daddy never let me get one. He told me – Donald, if you become president, you can get one. So I ran for President, once I buy my horse, I’m leaving. Did I show my election map. Huge gains. Tons of fake votes for crooked Hillary and lying Tim. Back to the turkey farmers, why won’t Mexico buy our turkeys. They’re the best turkeys. The way they gobble, it’s amazing. So I tell the new Mexican President – he’s a commie – did you know that? Buy our turkeys or I’m going to build the border wall.

I love walls. Especially all the walls at the Mar-a-Lago, the official white house. One time I was looking over a document with the Japanese president, by a cell phone flashlight. Nothing romantic, although I am the best President the gays ever had. I love the gays, nowhere is a better friend to the gays than me. I did them a favour by banning them from the military. I had to fight tooth and nail to not get drafted, they get off scot-free. (*interruption from the crowd*). I’ll ban them by tweet tonight. That’s how you make legislation right? Make America Great Again.

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