Productive Procrastination: How to be a baller (working title)

I'll do that later - 6N Undeclared
Posted on: October 12, 2017

In this week’s edition of PnP (DnD’s ugly sister) I’m going to teach you how to make MEATBALLS. Watch out world, a new generation of chefs who accidentally went to school for engineering is coming for you!

Because we’re supposed to be studying for midterms, it’s time to learn something you thought you never would: how to turn ground meat into delicious balls of … yea no it’s still just meat. Raise your hand if you think this is going to be difficult! My hand is up but it shouldn’t be because even if the thought of touching raw meat with your fingers gives you Halloween-level goosebumps, this recipe is super easy and the results are even better than IKEA (please don’t tell them I said that!)

What you need:

Ground meat (this is obvious, sorry to any vegetarians out there I really can’t help you with modifications you’re just going to have to Google it) you can use any ground meat that you want! I am cheap and I like to go for whatever’s on sale. 30% off ground beef? Perfect. Ground pork for less? I’ll take it. A combination of both? Sounds kind of gross, but I spent my future life savings on my degree so if it costs less than other options I will eat it. It’s also a good idea to go for low fat if you can because it cooks faster I have found. Less raw in the middle = less time spent driving the porcelain bus!

Next you’re going to need the two staples of any recipe ever: onion and garlic. If you don’t have a stock of these then you’re probably eating bland food and I am sorry for you. Or maybe you have a powder. Does that stuff taste ok? Does it work the same? Inquiring minds want to know!

Finally you need ½ cup of milk, ½ cup of breadcrumbs, an egg, and ½ cup of parmesan cheese.

Get to the chopper!

To start, combine your milk and breadcrumbs and allow them to sit undisturbed in a corner, like the running shoes you thought you’d actually use this term. Then preheat the oven to 400°F. Turn on Queen.

We discussed last time how to go about cutting your onion and garlic. For this recipe you want them extra fine. Let your chef juices flow as you chop away at the bits of edible bulb with zero care for how much ends up on the floor, in your hair, or stays stuck to the side of the knife. You should go at this onion the way you go at your work report. Zero care until the last second when you give that masterpiece of BS your absolute all.

In a small bowl, whisk the egg, parmesan and crack in some salt and pepper. Cue 90s rap dance break. Then combine the egg mixture with the ground beef. This is the least appetizing part. Just sort of mush it around a bit and then add the onion, garlic and breadcrumb mixture. This requires more mixing but you don’t want to overdo it. If you find my instructions as open-ended as that assignment no one knows how to do, then I want you to “make your best estimate of what I’m expecting from you” and continue to the next step.

Get to the oven! (no that really doesn’t have the same ring to it…)

Ball time! I find this recipe will make around 24 meatballs with a 1” diameter. So take a clump, roll it in your hand, and you’ve got a meatball! Place it on a cookie sheet and repeat until all the mixture is rolled up! To avoid a complete mess later, you can line the sheet with tinfoil but this is not required. Especially if standing in front of the kitchen sink for half an hour scrubbing sounds like a better use of your time than literally any of the work you have to do. Or lectures.

Place your sheet in the oven and cover with a tinfoil roof to keep the grease in (yummy). Wait 25-30 minutes and then take them out. Check the middle of a few balls to see if they’re raw and then rejoice! You have made man’s finest food all on your own! Feel free to chow down right now, or heat some sauce and noodles up like a civilized person, your choice really.

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