Electron-Nick’s Electronics: Why iOS is Going to Beat Android

Nick Owens - 1B Mechanical
Posted on: May 21, 2017

Note: This is a completely unbiased article written by an unlicensed “professional” 

iOS vs Android: it’s been the hot topic of debate ever since proto-humans first discovered Ye Old Electronics Store. But which system is really going to succeed? Any completely unbiased person would be able to tell you that Android is smooth, fluent, and user friendly while Apple offers virtually none of these aspects with their products. But despite the slow, un-ergonomic, downright mind-numbing features coupled together into what we know as the iPhone, iOS is still destined to win the cellular war. But why? Is it due to Apple’s clever marketing schemes? No. It’s due to something far more insidious. Dating.

In recent studies, iOS users proved less likely to date someone who doesn’t have an iPhone. Surely, this means the death of Android as a platform. Of course, you might be thinking: “That’s absurd. I’m the proud owner of an Android phone and know how much I’d prefer to have one than the significant other of my dreams.” But think of it this way: Android users who were tested did not show quite the same bias that their iOS counterparts did. This could only mean one thing. A sinister plot.

Years ago, Apple unveiled Siri, their virtual intelligence software. Now it seems unlikely that shortly after, Apple users began to feel less attracted to Android phones. Coincidence? Maybe, and not everybody uses Siri…but of course, that is all part of Apple’s master plan. Siri psychologically influences iPhone users to stick with their own kind, while others mingle among the competition, simply to ensure that their children become part of the conglomerate. A long-term plan, but with time, it ensures a day where every person has an iPhone, MacBook, and Beats Headphones. Ladies and gentlemen, the days of Android, Windows, and even Oranges are numbered.

Of course, the only way to fight fire is with fire, or in this case, with a sinister plot. In this reporter’s opinion, I’m proposing a full coalition between Android and Axe body spray to create a pheromone enriched phone that will subliminally lure people away from Apple products and back to the right side. Before this can happen, though, Android users must do their part. Check your partner’s phone immediately. Don’t let them fall victim to iOS. And if you’re on a first date, remember: if it isn’t Android, it isn’t worth your time. It’s the only way to ensure a future where all phones are user friendly.

Now, you must keep in mind that this is only my opinion, but you can trust my opinion. Remember, I’m an expert.

Now get out there and stop Apple.