Hi everyone, and welcome to the new season of Things You Don’t Want To Know! All hope abandon, ye who enter here. This issue, I’ll abandon my usual pattern of gross and horrible things done all round the world, and focus on Norse Mythology.
We’ve all seen the sleek, sexy Marvel version of Thor, Loki, Odin, and the gang. The original version was a lot more violent (as you would expect), but it’s also a lot more… colourful. There are lots of stories that would make for a much more interesting Marvel movie. Here are a few for your reading displeasure – make sure you picture Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, and Sir Anthony Hopkins in all of these situations.
Loki Got Pregnant, With a Horse
In fairness to him, it wasn’t on purpose. See, the gods made a bargain with a giant, that if he could build huge walls in exactly a year, they would give him the sun, the moon, and the goddess Freyja. They didn’t think he could possibly manage, but his magic horse was so strong and helpful that the gods got really worried. They didn’t want to have to pay up, but Loki got an idea at the last minute. Just before the wall was complete, Loki turned into a mare to distract the horse. The horse ran away after Loki, and the wall wasn’t completed in time, meaning that the gods won the bet. Unfortunately for Loki, the horse managed to catch him. Loki then became pregnant and gave birth to an eight-legged horse, which Odin decided he wanted. The horse was named Sleipnir and became Odin’s favourite horse, and all of the other gods did their best to ignore the awkwardness.
Thor Almost Drowned in Troll Pee
And, of course, it was Loki’s fault. Loki got captured by the troll king Geirröd, who would only release him if he promised to deliver him an unarmed Thor. Loki managed to trick Thor into coming along with him to the troll’s castle without Mjölnir, but Thor was warned by a friendly giantess and given some weapons. Then Thor set off for Geirröd’s place, but he needed to cross the river Vimur. Suddenly, it started flooding and nearly drowned him. Thor looked upstream and realized what was causing the flood – Geirröd’s daughter Gjalp was peeing into the river. Which is quite impressive, really – how many people can literally cause a flood? Thor solved the problem by throwing a rock at her, because simple solutions are sometimes the best. He then went on to slay trolls. Oh, one other thing: the ancient sources are unclear as to whether the flood is actually pee, or menstrual blood.
Loki Just Does Weird Things With Animals, in General
Once again, the gods have made a questionable bargain with a giant. This one was weirder than usual, though. The gods had killed the giant Thjazi as punishment for kidnapping a goddess. His daughter, Skaði, was angry, but decided that she would forgive the gods if one of them married her, if they turned her father’s eyes into stars, and if they made her laugh. The gods, who were apparently all foot fetishists, decided that she could choose a husband by looking at only the feet of all the single gods and picking her favourite. Skaði was totally cool with that, and it was done. Turning the eyes into stars was easy; they were gods, after all. Finally, they had to make the grumpy Skaði laugh, and Loki had a plan. First, he got out a goat and a rope, and tied one end to the goat’s beard. He then tied the other end to his testicles and proceeded to play tug-of-war with the goat, which must have been incredibly painful. Skaði found this hilarious, and that is how the gods made peace with a giantess.
Odin Literally Vomits and Poops Poetry
You thought Odin was above all these stupid antics? Ha! Think again. One example is the story of how humans got poetry. It’s a long story, but I’ll go over the main points. Believe me, it makes exactly as much sense in context.
Two groups of gods went to war, but eventually they made peace. To seal their peace, they all spat in a golden bowl, which Odin then turned into a dude named Kvasir. Kvasir was incredibly wise, and two dwarves became jealous of him and killed him. They drained his blood and turned it into mead (an alcoholic drink), but a giant took the mead from them and stored it in an underground cavern. Odin went on a quest to find it that involved tricking farmers into killing each other, turning into a worm, and sleeping with the giant’s daughter. Finally he managed to drink all of the mead. Immediately he flew back to Asgard in the shape of a falcon, with the giant in hot pursuit in eagle form. Odin barely made it over the walls of Asgard and immediately threw up all the magical mead into barrels the gods had waiting. However, he was in such a hurry that he accidentally pooped some of it out at the same time, while his backside was still over the earth. The poetry-poop fell to the ground and became the inspiration for lesser poets and “rhymesters”, which I interpret as rappers.
Thor and Loki Went to a Wedding in Drag (and Thor was the Bride)
The giants were causing trouble again, and this time the giant Thrymr had stolen Thor’s hammer. As ransom, he demanded the goddess Freyja as a bride (yeah, this happens to Freyja a lot). No one had any idea what to do, until Loki suggested that they dress Thor up as Freyja and send him as the bride instead. Everybody agreed that this was stupid enough to work, and they dressed the reluctant Thor in a wedding dress, with a very heavy veil. Since Loki was the smartass who thought this up, they dressed him up as a bridesmaid and sent him along to Thrymr’s castle with Thor. Incredibly, Thrymr actually fell for this, and whenever Thor did something suspicious, like eating a whole ox, Loki was ready with an excuse. This went on until Thrym’r handed the hammer to “Freyja”. Thor immediately grabbed it and slaughtered all of the giants in the castle, still in his wedding dress. Would you not pay good money to see this happen in the next Marvel movie?
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