IKEA on KampusBrüno - The only TV celebrity you should ever trust
Posted on: July 16, 2016
*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
Greetings students, and welcome to the new IKEA Kampus!
Yes, as a result of the entire board of directors really enjoying the REGISSÖR bookcase, the wonderful conversion from campus to Kampus is now underway! This will open countless new opportunities in all areas of student life. Let’s dive in, shall we?
The IKEA Kampus will be the largest IKEA storefront to ever exist. It will be the first to be spread out over a number of buildings, rather than contained in a single enormous converted warehouse. Half of the currently-existing classrooms will be used to display and sell our products. While we expect to make a profit in the long run, the short term costs will be covered by adding a tiny, almost infinitesimal $1999 fee to everyone’s tuition. Additionally, some time will be taken off studies so that students can paint the outside of each building blue. This activity will be worth 20% of your grade in all courses.
New and exciting subjects will be available as complementary studies electives for engineering students, such as “IKEA222: Assembly and Analysis of the BILLY bookcase”. Unfortunately students named Billy will not be permitted to take that course due to pun-derived brain damage, and a replacement course “IKEA223: Analysis of the KNODD bin with lid” will be available for them.
Additionally 75% of first year physics problems and examples will be replaced. The new exercises will be fundamentally the same as the old, but will include the mention of the FJÄLKINGE shelving unit with an integrated damper.
Ko-op and Research opportunities
If you do not succeed at finding a job at one of our suppliers, we will be happy to find a placement for you at any of our outlets in North America. Students best be aware that co-op terms at Blackberry will no longer count towards their co-op credit: we will be financing their relocation to Inuvik later this year.
IKEA will be funding many on-Kampus research initiatives, such as the creation of a BILLY-bookcase assembling robot, the design of an algorithm to arrange our products to maximise customer confusion and time spent in our stores, and the possibility of teaching natural language to an artificial intelligence so that it can generate new Swedish brand-names for our products.
Food and furniture
All Tim Horton’s locations will be replaced with cafeterias serving delicious, nutritionally balanced meals with fresh ingredients, including salmon dinners and our traditional Swedish meatballs. All vending machines will serve DRYK APELSIN orange drinks (we cannot legally call it juice at this time).
New furniture choices will make the Kampus experience elegant and efficient. All laboratories, classrooms and offices will now have SKÅLBERG swivel chairs. Additionally these rooms will have both SPRALLIS and BRAVUR wall clocks, so that you can count down the last harrowing minutes of an exam in style.
In addition to fun product-assembly-related activities and Humans vs Geese, every term from Fall 2016 onwards will feature an IKEA Kombat session. One student from each faculty, armed with two items from our catalog, will engage in a term-long livestreamed fight to the death on the rooftops of Kampus buildings. After the final FATALITY, the winner will win a lifetime supply of GRÖNSAKSBULLAR frozen veggie balls. Please note that ‘FATALITY’ is not currently available at our other stores, we are still sorting out the implications with our legal team.