As my term of VP Frivolous comes to an end, I would like to inform you, the students, about what will be happening between now and the end of my time in this role.
First, the Engineering Society fee will be seeing an 169% increase, based on approval at our recent meeting of the financial executive council, which is made up of myself. We have decided that in order to accommodate the growing needs of our students, as learned about through a highly confidential space audit, we need more cash. This will mostly be used to add more bureaucracy to the Society, including expanding our staff and office space. Additionally, to help cut costs, we will be moving to a completely paperless society, which means we will no longer accept cash and will only pay people through Swiss bank accounts.
Secondly, we will be purchasing top of the line, 100” CRT screen, mechanical keyboard controlled map kiosks for both the Orifice and the C&D to help you find your way around these incredibly weird layouts. Can’t find the coffee? Click here! Can’t find Mary? Click here! Can’t find the complaints department? Type your question into this incredibly sleek, 1990s DOS window. Looking for the textbook library? You’ll need a time machine to 2014.
Third, unfortunately I have to inform you that this will be the last Iron Warrior issue, as we have decided to terminate their lease. The huge costs associated with the iron maintenance needed to keep the warrior strong, which up until this point the Society has been covering, have grown to be too much. Moving forward we are looking to find a more suitable space in which to store the IW, and are definitely considering a more corrosion resistant aluminum warrior (AW) option. Keep your eyes peeled!
Fourth, I have taken the liberty of spending the remainder of EngSoc’s money on free food. Do you know how many freezies 10 000 freezies is? It’s a lot. We barely have enough room to keep them in storage. Not to mention all of the space being taken up by the mints we stock in the orifice. Moving forward, EngSoc will adopt a policy of spending money solely on food and nothing else. This means that all purchases will be of an edible nature, and any reimbursements for the purchase of the food will also be done in food. The green space in CPH Courtyard will be converted into a pasture where we will keep our own chickens in order to feed everyone. There will also be a private pool. And other amenities at my discretion.
Finally, instead of licensing POETS for events and dealing with the rules, we have decided to buy Kickoff Sports Bar and rename it STEOP (pronounced POETS), where we will hold hourly drinking events for the rest of eternity. You thought they would never sell it? You thought wrong. It’s amazing how much you can negotiate for using just food (since that is all the capital we have now). I had to throw in a chicken as well, but in the time I was there I had two pitchers and got a free basket of waffle fries (or hashtag fries for the more “hip” readers), so it was well worth it.
In summary, it’s been great. I look forward to getting more sleep and eating all of EngSoc’s free food in the future.
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