Humour

The Ins and Outs of Urinal Etiquette

Note: This article is hosted here for archival purposes only. It does not necessarily represent the values of the Iron Warrior or Waterloo Engineering Society in the present day.

The ultimate rule of urinal etiquette is to not pee next to someone. As long as you follow that general rule you should be fine, but if you want to learn more here is a brief look into the unwritten code of the boy’s washroom.

Selection of the proper urinal is the foundation of all urinal etiquette. When selecting a urinal, there are a few things to keep in mind: the distance from others, whether it is on the end or in the middle, and how badly you have to go. Essentially, you want to be as far away as possible from others, you want to choose end urinals over middle ones, and how badly you have to go can allow desperate measures to be taken.

When you enter a situation in which there are only empty urinals between people, it is key to perfect the art of delaying tactics. Fix your hair, tie your shoes, check your teeth, basically just look busy until a viable urinal becomes free.

If you have to go really badly and you can’t wait long enough for the delaying tactics you can use the stall, but you have to make it seem like that was your destination all along, and you should go sitting down to create the facade that you are just “dropping the kids off at the pool.” Now if all the stalls are occupied and the only urinal vacancies are between people, DO NOT PROCEED. If you must go so badly that you don’t have time to engage in delaying tactics, DO NOT PROCEED. The only time it is acceptable to take such a spot is if you are at a sports venue, where it is every man for himself, or if your kidneys are about to burst. The latter is still frowned upon; you are probably better just going to the women’s room and using a stall there.

Now we must be prepared for when we encounter situations in which others are unaware of proper urinal etiquette. If you are doing your business at a urinal and someone else proceeds to use the one adjacent, you are in an awkward situation. If you have gone too far to interrupt the flow, simply try to angle yourself away from the intruding party. If you feel like you can cut and run do so! Calmly wash your hands and leave the room. If you enter the room and you see two men standing side by side when they should not be, just back down. Turn around and search for another washroom, and try to forget what you just saw. {Note: We at IW discourage homophobia but agree the strange compulsion to leave the room is strong.}

Now that you have had a quick rundown on proper urinal etiquette, first things first: practice! You have to be good at quickly analyzing urinal situations to not appear to be staring. Also, brush up on your stalling methods. A few important tips to note are: little/no talking, even if you know the person; never look at anyone else-your eyes should be focused on the task at hand or the ceiling tiles; and please wash your hands! Remember the golden rule: never pee next to anyone, and you should be fine. Happy tinkles!