All University of Waterloo students are asked to be on high alert due to the recent influx of Harry Potter Fangirls in the upcoming weeks. With the release of the new Harry Potter movie, Deathly Hallows Part I, last week these Harry Potter fangirls have their old momentum restored, and will do anything to convert others to their side.
“A ‘fan’ is short for ‘fanatic’,” says Dr. Albus Severus Potter. “Fanatics worship their fetish until they switch fandoms. Teenage fangirls are especially bad, because their high levels of teenage hormones infuse them with tremendous amount of energy to ensure the survival of their fandom.”
A number of University of Waterloo students have already been targeted by the Harry Potter fangirls, including Engineering Society ‘A’ President Tim Bandura. A hoard of fangirls recently chased Mr. Bandura from the hallways of DWE to MC. Due to Mr. Bandura’s strong resemblance with actor Daniel Radcliffe, the fangirls claimed that Mr. Bandura was “the Chosen One come to save them all from the Dark Lord.”
“The most at-risk students are the non-Harry Potter lovers. The Harry Potter fangirls will resort to a vast number of tactics to evangelize non-Harry Potter lovers, including scare tactics such as claiming they will be ‘Avada Kedavra’-ed by the Dark Lord if they do not read Harry Potter.”
Most Harry Potter fangirls can be recognized by their distinctive style of dress: these girls are prone to wearing costumes, including the typical skanky skirt and long-sleeved shirt attire, topped off with a striped ties, typically red and gold. Some girls also have what are called “Harry Potter shirts,” which are any sort of long-sleeved shirt with red and gold stripes.
The girls also carry around unusually large sticks, called ‘wands,’ which they are prone to waving around.
Kevin Joseph, a 2A Nanotechnology Student, was one of the unfortunate victims. Kevin was impaled in the eye by one of these so-called wands as three fangirls attempted to “stupefy” him after he made a particularly nasty comment about J.K. Rowling.
“It was awful,” sobbed Joseph. “Rowling has taught them to hate me because I’m a Slytherin pure blood.”
Fortunately, little irreparable damage was done. Joseph is currently undergoing eye replacement surgery with carbon nanotubes.
“These girls are particularly prone to role playing games, or RPG,” said Stuart Linley, head of the department of Protection of Non-Magical Creatures, Including Muggles, at the Ministry of Magic. Mr. Linley has plenty of experience with fangirls, having gone out with one himself. “The best way to protect yourself against them is to fight back.”
Mr. Linley advises that carrying around a personal wand, and shouting the curse ‘Expelliarmus’ is particularly useful at dispelling a crowd of girls. Expelliarmus is a wand-expelling curse, and this will usually cause the girls to throw their wands into the air and pretend to search for them, giving the victim a chance to escape.
“It’s also important never to say the name of He Who Shall Not Be Named,” confirmed Mr. Linley. Saying the name of He Who Shall Not Be Named will generally enrage the girls and cause a stampede.
At present, the University of Waterloo has attempted to round up as many fangirls as possible, to undergo extensive psychiatric therapy. Many girls have been transferred to the Department of Psychiatry at Forks Community Hospital in Forks, Washington.
“We’re trying to slowly take these girls off of Harry Potter,” said Dr. Carlisle Cullen, head of the Anti-Harry Potter Psychiatry Group. “We’re doing it slowly, step by step. These girls are extremely emotionally unstable, and have a penchant for men who have ‘hero complexes’. Instead of debunking the myth of Harry Potter, we’re distracting them with other mythical creatures, such as vampires and werewolves.”
No interview with a fangirl has been recorded to date. One fangirl (whose name will be withheld for student confidentiality purposes) did offer to give a quote.
“They’ll never take me alive!” screeched She Who Shall Not be Named. “Never! Neither of us can live while the other survives.”
If you or any of your loved ones is a fangirl, help is available. For more information about fangirl treatment programs, call, 1-888-ILOVEHARRY, or send an owl to Albus Severus Potter.
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