Editor’s Note: This article was submitted to us as a work of satire and is not usually the type of content we publish.
Author’s Note: This satire is a work of fiction, our newspapers do not have thoughts and feelings or mutual romantic attraction. Haha jk…unless?
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As dawn broke over the University of Waterloo one cold winter morning, Iron Warrior found themselves excited for the new term–a fresh start for students, yes, but this was different. As part of their SLC renovations, WUSA had reached out to Iron Warrior’s editors and arranged for a newspaper rack to be set up.
How long has it been since I’ve had a new location?
Some would say too long, others would disagree. Iron Warrior found themselves, curiously, in the second group. The newspaper was far from the most popular across campus, which its physical distribution reflected. Yet there was beauty in nicheness, in providing something to a small but dedicated audience. They couldn’t deny that the promise of new scenery and with it, new readers, didn’t appeal, however.
SLC isn’t an engineering building–how many non-eng students will be interested in an engineering newspaper?
They knew that discipline didn’t restrict one’s tastes in journalistic media, mathNEWS was proof of that.
A shame that they all have such terrible taste. What kind of self-respecting newspaper doesn’t even caption photos consistently? Profanity everywhere? FANFICTION as ARTICLES? Give me a break. It’s almost as if mathNEWS-
Iron Warrior was shaken out of their thoughts as they approached the newspaper racks by the realization that there were two, placed side by side. In fact, the other rack was already occupied. Dread washed over them.
Oh. Oh no.
It was mathNEWS.
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“I can’t believe such a stuck-up little paper like you even set foot outside your faculty buildings! Finally decided you should get more than 4 readers per term?”
mathNEWS did NOT like Iron Warrior. They had barely been sitting a minute when Iron Warrior dropped some snide remark about her ‘lAck of profFessionAlity’. Please. As if university students cared about professionality outside of co-op applications. Such a shame that their perfectly formatted articles and beautifully drawn cover pages (well, mathNEWS respected artistry) were wasted on such drivel.
“I have more than 4”-
“4 plus or minus 16. Happy?”
Iron Warrior snorted in response. Or, she thought it was a snort. Newspapers don’t breathe.
“At least my articles are well enough made that my writers don’t have to hide their identities behind pseudonyms, mathNEWS. Too worried someone could call them out on poor writing?”
“MY articles speak for themselves! They don’t need to boost their egos by appending their names to their work. mathNEWS writing is for the love of the game! I’ll have you know-”
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It had barely been a day, and Iron Warrior was exhausted.
Does she ever quit? There hasn’t been a minute without her poking something at me this entire time! Do I have to put up with this for a whole term?
With the irony that they had made the first jab soaring over their headlines, Iron Warrior looked over at their bitter rival. A student was flipping through an issue, and Iron Warrior could have believed the drawing of mathNEWS-chan on the cover was leering at them.
At least her voice sounds nice enough to put up with the yammering. Wait, is that a-
Iron Warrior couldn’t help themself from asking. The mathNEWS issue had been left open, to…
“A crossword?”
“Why, yes, my GLORIOUS gridWORD! No field of knowledge untouched! No clue too esoteric! It’s the cornerstone of every issue, as it should be.”
If newspapers could smile, she would be beaming.
“The gridWORD is my pride and joy, my magnum opus, the acclamation of my soul, my-wait, why am I telling this to y-”
“Can I try it?”
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mathNEWS was enjoying herself. Since Iron Warrior couldn’t fill in the boxes physically, she read out the clues and let them work through solutions.
Who knew that they were so good at crosswords?
Without even writing down a single letter, Iron Warrior finished the gridWORD in record time. They’d been so engrossed in the crossword that they hadn’t noticed mathNEWS’ stream of quips and jibes cease.
“Bravo! Where’d you get so good?”
“You’re not the only newspaper with a crossword–wait, was that a compliment?”
Well, if they’d been dense enough to miss that, then they’d be Tungsten Warrior.
“I- uh- you- HEY, how about I uh- try yours!”
What is going on with me? I hate Iron Warrior, nevermind that they loved my gridWORD or did it so gosh darn well! It’s not every day you see something like that, right? I was just– acknowledging their skill! Yeah! I couldn’t actually… like them, right? That’d be… that’d be…
mathNEWS was thankfully snapped out of her thought spiral by Iron Warrior’s crossword, proper and expertly crafted as expected.
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Well, that went well.
mathNEWS had actually thanked Iron Warrior for letting her play their crossword. Not a single jab or remark, and now they’d settled into an… uneasy truce?
She’s been uncharacteristically quiet ever since we finished. What’s going on with her?
Without the sound of her voice, even if to insult, Iron Warrior felt something missing. The world was colder, lacking the spice of a properly seasoned dish.
Live by an inferno, and you begin to miss the heat, I guess. For now, I can be content with some downtime. Would be nice if we could chat again, though. Her voice really is lovely.
All things considered, their first issue together with mathNEWS had turned out better than Iron Warrior had expected.
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Oh no. It’s so much worse than I expected.
The next issue, mathNEWS and Iron Warrior had started reading articles out to each other. Because it was polite, right? Nevermind that they had been at each other’s throats earlier. At least, that’s what mathNEWS reassured herself…until it came time for the crosswords.
Of course it had to be the Valentine’s issue! Of course I made the gridWORD love-themed! So WHY do I feel so weird about it when I’m filling it out with them? I’m NOT in love! Not with… THEM!
She could almost feel mathNEWS-chan giggling on the cover, heart eyes ablaze. Drawn that way for the Valentine’s theme, of course, but mathNEWS felt personally attacked.
I’m not some dandere schoolgirl with a crush! I am a grown newspaper, and I most DEFINITELY am not experiencing any romantic attraction! A-and if I was, I would be able to handle it maturely! But I’m not!
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Iron Warrior thought back to the last issue and sighed to themself. They’d admit it–they actually wanted to spend time with mathNEWS. The time between issues was far too long. The Valentine’s theme had gotten Iron Warrior thinking about romance, and perchance this yearning for mathNEWS’ companionship wasn’t solely platonic. Well, mathNEWS had made no indication she had any interest in Iron Warrior, so it would have to let it be.
No interest except for the crosswords, I guess.
Adrift in a sea of longing tempered by rationality, Iron Warrior almost didn’t notice it when they were dropped off at SLC.
Wait. Something’s off.
It seemed that SLC had been reorganized yet again, because the space where mathNEWS’ rack used to stand was empty. Or in other words…
There was only one newspaper rack!
To be continued in mathNEWS Volume 160 ● Issue 5, releasing March 13th.
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