What must one do to find love in our modern age?
I have swiped right and left until callouses have plagued my poor thumbs. I have stared, smiled, and laughed at their bad jokes, but they dodge my shot every time. I have networked in bars, hackathons and employer information sessions, but I still can’t find someone to give the link to my heart. It seems like they’d all rather go to Cali than bust in me.
Where, my most dearest Darla, must I go to find the one who can make my heart race faster than an email from Waterloo Works?
Have you ever considered the pattern of your loveless life? Maybe if your data analysis skills were half as good as you probably say they are on your résumé, you would notice a trend. An underlying causality, that just can’t be cleaned from the data. This common denominator is you.
Yes, it is blatantly obvious, and you’re ignorant for missing it, but such is the human ego. Your dry romantic life is a self-provoked drought, your obstacles are homemade and your despair is painted by your own hand. Your own anxiety has frozen your romantic ambitions in an inescapable torpor, that you may have never left until you came to me. Assuage your measly mind, I can deliver you to exaltation.
If you are anything like the rest of those who come to seek my advice, you have many key areas of improvement. You probably place academic and economic success over your emotional wellbeing. You might say it’s more comfortable to cry in a silk handkerchief than whatever the university insists is toilet paper, but why bother crying at all?
Money, wealth, power, GPA are only tools to achieve life’s ultimate goal: happiness. Romance is a far more effective technique. In your darkest hours, the love of a romantic partner can bring you happiness, pleasure, and joy. All your money can do is numb you, but it cannot heal you. The rush you get from purchasing materials and experiences is hard to come across, but it is only a rush, rushing away as fast as it comes. A relationship doesn’t rush onto you, it builds its way into your heart.
Love shouldn’t be restricted by red lines; it should be the one drawing them. What are you going to gain from writing a lab report for 3 hours? A higher grade, that may marginally improve your employment prospects and increase your lifetime earning by a couple thousand dollars. We live in the modern world, almost any job will provide you your basic needs. What if you spent that time building a meaningful relationship, feeling the excitement, fun, and happiness that comes with it? Money is an immaterial concept, housed outside of yourself, which can only be occasionally translated into positive sensations; simply put it is entirely distinct from happiness, and no relationship is bought.
So why should you deny yourself from feeling good; in fact, what is there to life besides feeling good? If you aren’t taking concrete steps towards building your happiness, you are not doing anything meaningful or helpful for yourself.
Finally, after working on yourself, where do you go to meet people with whom you share your lust? …Well, I know just the right people.
Signed, the one the only,