Following the recent steroid scandal with the Waterloo Warriors Football Team, the University administration has started a campus-wide initiative to crack down on the usage of banned substances in all University activities. What was expected to be an exercise of due diligence exploded into a mushroom could of catastrophe this past weekend as several teams were disqualified from the Waterloo Engineering Competition after testing positive for numerous banned substances.
The commotion started during the Junior and Senior Team design competitions. These events of WEC are known for their high demand of creativity and mental stamina. Eyebrows were raised as one team in the Junior division was noticed to be hiding in the corner giggling endlessly and stuffing their faces with several extra-large pizzas and jumbo bags of Doritos. They were later noticed to be haphazardly gluing their materials together while whispers of, “Dude, we’re building a robot,” and snickering from all team members could be heard from across the room. The team was later disqualified after testing positive for marijuana.
In the Senior team division, while most teams spent time brainstorming and drawing out schematics for their respective designs, one team was noticed to be staring off into space and drawing on each other with scented magic markers in awe. Their final presentation consisted of them drawing rainbows on their presentation board and explaining their solution to the competition’s problem through interpretive dance. They later all tested positive for LSD, which the team captain explained was ‘meant to bring out their inner creativity.’
The commotion that was started in the design competition carried over into the consulting competition that started soon after. This division is known for consisting of an all-nighter during which an engineering report must be written and submitted with an accompanying presentation given the following day. The event is not unfamiliar to extra-large double-doubles and midnight campus pizza runs to help keep the contestants awake, but one team in particular was noticed to be unusually awake and focused. All four team members sat in a statuesque manner and stared at their respective computers while barely blinking. Over the course of the five hours allotted for the competition, not one of the four team members left their desk or stopped typing furiously. At the end of the allotted time, while each team submitted the typical 15-20 page report, the oddly behaving team submitted a 1,500-page report complete with hundreds of statistical graphs, pictures drawn in Microsoft paint, and quantum mechanics derivations. The team did not take any time to sleep that night before their presentation the next morning, during which they gave monotone descriptions on not only how to solve the proposed problem, but also the world energy crisis, how to stop global warming, seven new plans on how to stop the BP gulf oil spill, and how to make the best chocolate mint milkshake. The team was soon after disqualified after all four members tested positive for varying combinations of Ritalin and Adderall.
The catastrophe came to a climax during the debate portion of the competition in a public display of chaos that will not soon be forgotten. The event that is deemed as the nightmare of any person who fears public speaking got the better of one particular team, who’s two members were known to be rather timid in nature and exceptionally fearful of public speaking. A friend of both team members recommended that they ‘have a drink beforehand to calm their nerves’. The duo clearly took this advice too far, as the stench of alcohol that exuded from the both of them was noticed in the room minutes before they even arrived. Both of them were noted to be stumbling around the CPH foyer where the competition was being held, and they required the assistance of chairs in order to remain standing. When asked for rebuttals towards their components’ points, the team’s responses included such groundbreaking statements as, “That’s what she said”, “You know, if you wink really slowly at a cat it will wink back at you,” and, ”Occifer, I swear to drunk I’m not god.” One of the team members delayed the competition for half an hour as he attempted to drunk-dial one of the judges. The team was disqualified after one member projectile vomited onto one of his opponents.
All of the members of these teams have gathered together in protest of their disqualifications. They will be holding a press-conference next week in form of a Drum Circle in the forest by Columbia Lake that is open to the public in hopes to persuade the administration to reverse their decisions. Only accredited campus media (The Tin Soldier) will be allowed at this event. They will also be starting a petition in the form of a Facebook group so as to gather support for their cause, as soon as one of them can find their computer.
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