July 21: Mostly sunny, with a high of 27. Today is a good day, unless you are turning 27. Any other birthday is good luck. However, if today is your 27th birthday, it is a turning point in your life. Your best years are past you, and it’s all downhill from here. You may die of a drug overdose, but that is none of my business. For all others, make the most of this day. Everything will go well for you. Take a few risks. Ask that cute gal out. Enter the demolition derby. Set random things on fire. It will all work out for the best.
July 22: Cloudy; high is 29. Today, you will have to face the consequences of your actions. You may have or may have not performed these actions yesterday, under our advice. We accept no liability. If it is your birthday, you will have to face the consequences of your own birth (the same as every day.)
July 23: Thundershowers; down to 24. If you are a mad scientist, you may wish to take advantage of the thunderstorm in myriad ways. Re-animating corpses suggests itself, as do some sweet-ass Tesla coils, for those of you less maniacally inclined. Whatever your chosen profession, take advantage of any opportunity that comes your way. The thundershowers will make an excellent backdrop for your success (or failure, as the case may be.) If it is your birthday, you may just be the Almighty Thor.
July 24: Sunny again, but only 22. What’s up with that? After all that warm and dramatic weather, we’re just going to drop a couple of degrees here? If you are feeling dissatisfied with yourself today, try to remember all of your positive accomplishments this week. Did you win the demolition derby? Did you overrun MC with a legion of zombies? Did you watch a movie marathon that has every friend of yours shaking their heads? Hold your chin up and remember your week with pride.
July 25: Sunny, and 24 degrees. Now is the time to buckle down and get some work done. Any outstanding homework? Any below average homework? Sit at your desk and finish that garbage. You have it in you to catch up, at least some day. Today is some day. Git’r done! If it is your birthday, try to start the next year of your life on a clean footing. Wash those socks and learn once more to wear pants. Schedule some rest time and some work time. Re-organize your life.
July 26: Some sun and some clouds. High of 24 again. Don’t let those clouds get to you! It’s still a good day, even if there are fluffy dark things looming over your head, ready to dump cold water on you the moment you make a false move. If it’s bothering you too much, get some industrial-quality fans and some heat guns on your roof, and those damn cumulonimbus should disperse. If the problem persists, contact your local meteorologist.
July 27: Gloomy and rainy. Still 24. Those clouds burst, didn’t they? It’s ok; you can stay at home and play hide-and-seek in the dark with your buddies. The clouds can’t usually get inside. It only happened to the Iron Warrior office once, and that was because the EIC was getting involved in some really dark summonning shit. She swears it won’t happen again. There haven’t been any dank, musty clouds getting inside for weeks now, regardless of that circle on the floor with those pentagrams, and- they seem to be glowing. How strange. I always warneddddddddddjdgknjghknhjcjkl
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