It’s 2014, and although this milestone has been declared every year for the past two decades, we are now comfortable raising the banner over the helicarrier and calling it: online dating is officially socially acceptable. The only problem left is that as a reader of The Iron Warrior, in all likelihood you are not socially acceptable. Rest assured though, your boyz at Topz (with a Z) got you covered. We’ve been cyberdating for years now and know how to get from the tubes to the lube. Yes, just follow our handy guide and you’ll be showing off your peacock in no time.
Choose the Perfect Profile Photos
Just like in real-life dating, online the first filter is your peepers. You can judge a lot about a book by its cover: whether they’re sensitive, how popular they are, how big their package is, and if they’re likely to put out. As such, your job is to deceive people into thinking you’re a viable partner. With an application like Tinder you have six chances, but with others you get fewer so you need to be crafty. The following are some marks you have to hit. Show that you are friendly and cuddly like babies and/or animals, by cuddling with babies and/or animals. Nothing says, “I may be a douchebag, but I have a heart of gold” more than having a cuddly little puppy snuggling up with a shirtless Abercrombie & Fitch wannabe. Be warned though, Wade Wilson tried this strategy once and ended up getting a visit from the federales. Now, a lot of people will tell you to show as much skin as possible. We will also tell you to show as much skin as possible, after all beach albums are what keep Facebook afloat. You also want to make sure you look your best, but we all know that you let yourself go ever since Burger King opened. The solution is to post a photo from a few years ago when you were still attractive. Of course, if you never were attractive that’s okay too. Edward Blake uses pictures of Wade Wilson on his online profiles, and accuses people who feel deceived of being racist. Racial guilt may just be the greatest seduction maneuver since pity. Finally, embrace heteronormality. Play up gender stereotypes by posting pictures of you acting like the characters on Mad Men. For example, Edward Blake shows his manliness through pictures featuring athleticism, outdoorsmanship, and his penis. And remember, when you send intimates don’t be afraid to swap out your albino peacock with one of Wade Wilson’s (of which there are a LOT online).
Generic Statements
Now that you have your pictures picked out, you have to actually say something about yourself. But let’s face it: you aren’t an interesting person. One of our favourite about-me sections read, “I can’t describe myself in 500 words;” this is because the only things which set you apart are three words, two if you don’t have a middle name. The following are some generic filler descriptions we actually found on Tinder just now: song lyrics (including “Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide,” “I’m trying to find my soulmate.”, “I’m fun/nice/interesting/awesome.”, “Just looking for an adventure.”, “Get to know me and you’ll find out who I really am.”, “It’s okay to let go of the past because there will always be something waiting for you in the future.”, “Now accepting little spoon applications.”, “Proud supporter of fun.”, “;)”, memes (including “much funny very laugh”), “It’s the little things.”, “Looks can be deceiving.”, “Love [sports team].”, “I value honesty above everything.” “I’m random LOL ;)”. In 1984, George Orwell describes an eyeless man behind opaque glasses who spouted mindless pabulum that was more like the quacking of a duck than the words of a conscious and thinking human. Listing books that you and literally everyone else who went to highschool in North America read to sound intelligent is another great one.
Pretend You’re Above Online Dating
A lot of people still feel like online dating has a stigma associated with it. By playing into this insecurity, you are able to elevate yourself above the “online-daters” as a normal, well-adjusted person who could totally meet people in real life but are actually so successful and interesting that you have resorted to online dating services just as a matter of saving time. Feel free to make this explicit. Similarly, maybe you are just “trying it out for fun” or your “friend made this account” and of course you were powerless to stop them and not use the service. And just to send home that the other party should be ashamed of themselves for online-dating, be sure to clarify that you will lie to other people about how you met, since you think so little of their choices.
Now that you’ve got the tools to build your online profile, you may have noticed that this is the fewest points ever used in a Topz (with a Z) article. This is because just as with offline-dating, online seduction only pretends to be complicated and intensely strategic. In fact, this article could have been summarized in just the first point, but we really wanted to publish those about-me descriptions we found on Tinder. We’re confident that if you use our guide you’ll have at least eight dates next weekend, and next bi-week we’ll teach you how to manage all eight simultaneously, making up excuses to leave the table and switching outfits in the bathroom; just make sure you don’t show up to the wrong table dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire!
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