Are you ever harassed by those soulless, beaked monsters? Do you find them more delicious than tolerable? If you do, this article will help you and your attempt to talk to the University of Waterloo Geese. The following advice can help you in your weird obsession with the geese on campus–but nowhere else; why would anyone talk about geese outside of Waterloo?
When you approach the geese to talk to them they will not be scared of you. Most likely they will approach you to talk about Geesus and how fulfilling life is under his wing. The most you will be able to do when you are in that situation is nod politely and say you believe in something else. I personally believe that the best way of steering the conversation away from this topic would be ask about them: “How is shitting everywhere” or “Is biting first years as fulfilling as it seems” are good choices.
Point the second: if you approach geese and they find you too callous and abrasive to continue the conversation, just try to debate with them your views on the female geese reproductive rights. Talk about how you believe a female goose’s eggs are her own and she has the right to do whatever wants with the eggs. The pro-quackers amongst them will be very offended. The pro-quackers believe that the number of baby geese a female geese should hatch is the number of eggs that get fertilized. They are also against Plants Ops spraying geese eggs to help control the population. Point out that the geese population at the University of Waterloo is projected to become higher than the student population by the year 2020. (Not a real statistics, just sensationalism.) Tell the geese that their population is too high and is starting to kill off the student population.
Argument C: the geese have less brain power than we do, so using common English phrases may confuse them. An easier way to communicate would be to honk, flap your arms around and walk around being in the way. The geese may not understand this but everyone else will find you hilarious or insane. The geese are not scared of humans but humans are scared of them. Humans should assert their alpha-ism and show the geese who is boss. I recommend wearing animal ears and a tail and chasing the geese around whilst quoting your favourite anime. In your own private times, you can yiff to the weird animes. The geese cannot think as hard as us humans. Ok, maybe most humans. Some geese are really smart, but most geese are really stupid and will not know when and where to pick a fight. If you are attacked by geese, you cannot fight back; it is considered animal cruelty. But if some human attacks you randomly, it is called self-defense.
In finality, geese suck, do not talk to them. They are huge bitches and really close minded about not being dicks.
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