Self-improvement is like sex: constantly sought-after, unpleasant, leaves you in tears, but most importantly, it sells. This is why we’re jumping on the bandwagon and teaching you how to be less of a disappointment to your older brother Sean! Most people only realize how much they hate themselves around middle-age, but we’re here to tell you that you should be disappointed in the direction and futility of your life today! But how do you make yourself better? That’s easy, ya dingus! You make people around you think that you’re cool and happy. After all, your peers are constantly thinking about you, judging your every word, move, and tweet (in fact, they’re probably judging you right now for reading a trash rag like The Iron Warrior … loser). So if you’re interested in being as cool and handsome as two men in tight shirts and wavy hair, read on you pathetic loser, read on.
Treat Your Body like a Temple
Entertain frequent visitors, burn smoke (#420blunts) and sacrifice fatty animals into it. The first thing that people see when they meet you is your body: and if you aren’t lumpin’ fresh they won’t be jealous of you and therefore you will be the jealous Julie eating jelly doughnuts all by herself again. All the greats will tell you how much they focus on a healthy diet, meditation, and sacrifice. This is great advice: it simultaneously makes people think you’re awesome and sets your competitors on a path to loserdom. All that’s important is that you look good in t-shirts, so if you want to start sextin’ make like a Texan: stockpile the guns. Spend all of your efforts on working out your arms. If you want to be an Obama and get your guns the loser way, you can toil away with this Jim dork everyone talks about (#JTL). But if you want to get guns like a winner, the secret is science: synthol is a short cut to instant awesome. We’d say more but perhaps it’s best to let synthol images speak for themselves: you’re one image search away from jealousy, one Amazon search away from being fresh to death, and one injection away from acquiring sclerosing lipogranuloma to death.
Enjoy the Finer Things in Life
Synthol isn’t the only alcoholic lesson in our little school for cool: ethanol is another alcoholic lesson in our little school for cool. Everything worth liking is only worth liking if most people dislike it. That way, you can act cool for having a refined pallet. Some examples include dry wine, pungent cheese, and sadism. Of course, it isn’t enough to like something and keep it to yourself; what would be the point? No, what’s critical is that you let everyone know how much you like these things even if you don’t. Because, while it takes a while to acquire a taste for the bitter and moldy, the sweetness of showing off your sophistication is as easy to swallow as semen, especially if you squeeze your thumb (#pornstartricks #shitfarzitaughtus). The easiest way to do this is to spam pictures on Facebook and Twitter with nonchalant comments like “just another dinner.”
Be Progressive
Social media has often been criticized as a platform for young people to isolate themselves from their peers, but we believe that it is a powerful tool for reaching unprecedented masses with rally-calls to overthrow dictators and 140-character messages that show people how progressive you are. Over the years, numerous social injustices from child-soldiers in Uganda to marriage inequality to racial profiling have been squashed by self-righteous status updates and profile-pic-pontification. What’s important is that you know the right opinions to let people know you’re an individual free-thinker, just like your peers. These include, but are not limited to, spreading the good news that you think people are idiots for believing in god, calling out America on literally being Nazi Germany, espousing your informed expert opinion on verdicts whose legal proceedings you didn’t bother following, talking about how much you hate Justin Bieber, and birthday wishes. Also, it is imperative that you hop on every bandwagon, as it will also help with your exercise.
Hate Pop Culture
Pop culture can be reasonably described as ideas and creative works which brings together people separated by miles, decades, and glory holes (#shitfarzitaughtus). This is why it is essential that you hate pop culture, to establish that you are above these people: you are cultured, sans pop. Of course, establishing your culture cred can take a while. Difficult: finding sincere personal interests, such as music which really resonates with you. Easy: hating on J-Biebs. After all, there is nothing more detestable than categorically subscribing to music, television, and movies just because it has been vetted by hoi polloi. This lack of critical, independent thinking is so vile, that we recommend doing the exact opposite by categorically hating such things. The exception, of course, is things which masses embraced decades before you were born. Feel free to rave about Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and Gone With the Wind: no interest is more independent than that in the most successful films in box office history.
Hate People
Hating things may make you cool, but you shouldn’t settle for anything less than being ice cold. The easiest way to rise above people is to throw them down to the dirt, such that they might be your stepping stones to being way more fresher than your current disgusting, useless self. It is infinitely easier to criticize and belittle other people’s beliefs than to try and develop some of your own. Cynicism is a faster short-cut to appearing more intelligent than you are than a British accent (we’re looking at you, BBC’s Sherlock. Seriously, Irene Adler’s password seemed like they ripped the idea off of YA fan fiction). If you always assert to believe in nothing and hate all those around you, you can never be taken down a peg because you will already be sitting smugly on the bottom rung.
Hate Everything
This point should really be self-evident, you pleb.
The great Oscar Wilde once said that everything in the world is about sex, except for sex itself (sex being about power). Similarly, while many of the undertakings of youth are in the name of improving one’s self, the actual drive of self-improvement is really not about making yourself better than you were: it’s about making yourself superior to those around you. So take our advice and don’t waste your time trying to improve yourself, because that’s hard and hard things are a pain the ass (#shitfarzitaughtus). No, what’s much less effortful is thinking less of your peers and making pithy, passive-aggressive displays of physical, intellectual, and social dominance. It’s far easier to stand atop a high island than a mountain.
Leave a Reply